Wednesday, May 14, 2008
And yes, we're on indefinite hiatus here on the blog because we just have better shit to do...no, not really but we are working on better shit and we'll let you know when the time is right what we're up to. Until then, feel free to comment on our brilliant posts thus far.
Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
We've got our own hotline for our readers to call and sound off drunk, sober, on PCP about to jump off a rooftop, whatever. It's like drunk dialing except millions of people (don't pay attention to the hit counter at the bottom of the page) will listen to it the next day. You might as well go on Oprah wasted. So, here are some examples of what you may or may not want to do.....
Disclaimer: ****The last two are NSFW,C, YM, or SB (Not Suitable for work, children, your moms, or southern baptists
You can do a 3AM freestyle like our boy Donny Goines
Or brag about about "kicking bitches in their tits" like Juan Huevos at 9PM
Or fantasize about fornicating with paraplegics like DJ Brownske and his crew at 4AM
Here are the digits (program it in the phone): 757-663-7340
PS...This is voicemail only so don't call us to bail you out of the drunk tank, ok?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Cas: It would be so inappropriate to write while on the shitter. I think of the lines while on the shitter and run back and forth between my computer and the toilette when I think of something brilliant.
L and F: You said we could ask you anything so can you please give us a good groupie story? Pretty please?
Cas: Hah....I don't have a lot of groupies (please send more) but when I was at the blind pig there was a girl that looked like brittany spears (a mix between nervous break down and non- nervous breakdown brit) accompanied by a homosexual that looked like Corky from Life Goes On that followed us back to the hotel and got naked in the middle of the hotel pool. It was awkward and a couple guys from tour were trying to talk to the girl not knowing the dude was naked...Which ended in hilarity...
L and F: What's the best advice (please choose one and explain)
a) Never trust a big butt and a smile
b) You lay down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas
c) You can't turn a ho into a housewife
d) Wipe front to back, don't bring the shit to the clit
Cas: I think all of them are good advice, because from the looks of it they are all in reference to some transaction of an STD and I would like to stay away from each. It is also in reffrence to all women are evil which also may be true.
L and F: Tell us about all your collaborative efforts and upcoming musical ventures?
Cas: I've worked with Brother Ali on my first l.p called Liberation on a track called Flashbacks. I wanted to do something more aggressive and he wanted to do a more laid back song with me so that was the product. On my upcoming album The Monster and The Wishing Well, Im working with P.O.S. on a song that's in the works right now. I'm pretty excited about it. Also with fellow label mate, Intuition, whom I think could be the best writer in hip hop. I've toured with some heavy hitters as well.
L and F: How can we hold it down Indiana-style?
Cas: Theres really no style here. It's a big melting pot of leftovers from other cities that happen a little to late. When we get hipsters here in a couple of years I'm moving to Nashville.
L and F: What's the most corny shit someone can say to you after a show?
Cas: I really like talking to people after shows...but I REALLY hate to be asked to join a cypher. Thats pretty corny...and there always is one.
PS...Check out Cas One and DJ Figure and their project "Bads New For People Who Love Hip Hop"
by Teal Town
Monday, April 28, 2008
Fabio and the Goose Incident (seriously, what are the odds?)
The rendition of "Afternoon Delight" in Anchorman:
D-Listed's "Caption This" Contest Photos:
-Hillybilly Harlot likes it too
Thursday, April 24, 2008
So I have been seeing this girl for about 4 or 5 weeks now and there is this strange thing going on between us, I'm not sure how to handle it. About two weeks ago it was raining out and she was on her wayover and I was looking for something for the two of us to do. I always try to be original with my ideas and try stuff out that neither of us have ever done before. I know this is weird, but I had been storing a bunch of my brother's stuff at my place and I saw his old
Dungeons and Dragons shit sitting in some crates. I had never played D&D before because I was the youngest in my family, so it was something my brother and cousin did, but I was never invited. Truth be told, I spent most of my time as a younger kid erect. I had a serious problem of getting excited or aroused easily and therefore I walked around with a boner from about the ages of 12 to 15, when I finally gained some self control. I mean I'd work it out and everything, but then it would be back again in like 3 minutes. Geez, I musta masturbated about 75 times a day back then. So anyhow this made me terribly awkward to hang out with, so I wasn't invited to do much with the other kids. But I digress... so I never got to play D&D, right. So she came over and agreed it would be fun and weird to play D&D. We started playing and I have to admit, the game was fucking lame. But my girl was getting horny as hell, so I kept on. Before I know it we're going at it right on the table on top of the game and she's talking all freaky, which she had never really done before. She's screaming about riding my dragon, and venturing into her dungeon, and something about her being the baddest elf princess bitch in all the land. I mean I have to admit, it was hot and kinky and I was having a good time. But she hasn't stopped with the whole act yet and everytime we have sex now we have to do this weird role playing. She makes me wave around this staff she bought on e-bay and cast spells and wear this wizards hat. I can't really do this whole routine without laughing and that's when she gets really mad and says she is a rabid goblin and starts biting me. I don't mean like nibbling or anything remotely sexy, I mean she tears bloody chunks of flesh off my body. Anyway, I'm pretty worried, what should I do?
Have you ever heard of this before?
Geekier than ever,
Third Level Dungeon Master
Dear Dungeon Master,
Well, first of all I know it is normal for young boys to maturbate 75 times a day because my bro and I had a heart to heart in a hotel room on vacay one time and he said he just couldn't stop and I was really grossed out. I mean, he wasn't doing it right then, oh nevermind! Anyway, all I know about D & D is that it is like you said, super lame and the nerdiest shit you can do. So, when someone does something nerdy or is wearing anything mythical-like, I'm like, "Oh what are you into D & D too?". And they're like, "Shut the f*ck up LC!". It is apparently also shameful for all those involved. Now, role-playing D & D for sex is not so lame unless 1) you want to do it ALL the time and 2) you inflict wounds beyond the 1st layer of skin. Now trust, I am a big proponent for role-playing which is why you will see me scouring the after halloween sales for some get-ups the whole month of November.... but you've got to know your role and change your role. Nawmean? Ain't no dungeon dark and wet enough for you to be sticking your staff into some crazy bitch (plus, you might get a staff infection...get it?!)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Dear Lady Chavez,
Okay i've got a conundrum. I'm trying to decide which olsen twin i want to get serious with. Mary-Kate has the better fashion sense and by far the better drugs, but she won't give me anything more than a little hovercraft action, or dryhump if you will. Meanwhile ashley loves the cock.
First of all, I am going to pretend you did not just sign that Danny Tanner because you just ruined Full House for me and I'm pretty sure that is a felony in some states. Mary-Kate or Ashley...hmmmmm....well, if this was real life I would tell you to choose Door #3 even if it was a one-legged carny with full blown Hep C. However, since you are adamant it be one or the other and this is my alter ego (not the angel on your shoulder or devil on the other side, but the one in the middle and further down towards the welcome mat) I will guide you. If you choose Mary Kate, her outfits might not be atrocious but you want her naked, so this is irrelevent. As far as drugs go, if you hang with MK, she might fix you up a nice cocktail but then you'll have the disease (not the imaginary disease that Christina Ricci had in Black Snake Moan where she had to do everyone or it hurt) but the one where your white snake won't work and will only slither around in your boxers, hence the reason she's always dry humping. Ashley, is your best bet since she's ample and willing. Plus, Paris steals all her boyfriends so its like a two-for-one...wait, or is that Mary-Kate? Damn, I'm getting those elfin hoes confused...just go with Stephanie.
If you too would like some Lady Chavez advice, please email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to email@example.com
Dear Lady Chavez,
Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?
Love,Need to Pay My Rent
Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.
P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother? Dang, just askin'
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Remember Hi Five? I love this old school jam and it makes you wonder what is the kissing game exactly and why is Chris Brown just a fake ass Hi Five? Your challenge when you hit the bars this weekend is to just get to first base and play the kissing game. Trust me, he or she will call you the next day (just make sure your breath ain't nassy)
I'm gonna get an early start and make out with someone right now to some Hi Five. I might even bust out the side ponytail for dramatic middle school effects.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
This is so gonna be me...tv dinners here I come! Classic...
Friday, April 11, 2008
Today's theme seems to be all about addictions - and recently, I've been nurturing my very own guilty pleasure: eBay. I find myself sifting through gads of online auctions, hoping to find cute clothes for even cuter prices. eBay is the treasure chest of the internet – and when I say treasure, keep in mind the old adage, “One man’s junk….” Somehow, that still didn't quite prepare me for this auction.
Crying Game anyone?
Here are the top ten reasons that I am obsessed with this movie and always have been.
1) My mother forced me to watch this with her when I was 14. Either that's really cool or really weird. I don't know the answer.
2) The fantastic over acting by Elizabeth Berkely. She took the role seriously. Violently serious. From the vomiting, the throwing french fries, the pocket knife and the dancing..oh god, the dancing. Like a spastic stripper having an epileptic seizure. I am sure her dancing has inspired many Vegas showgirls.
3) The lesbian vibe throughout the whole movie. You could cut the sexual tension between Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley like a hot knife through Earth Balance. When they bond over eating doggy chow and stroke hands, I melt.
4) Kyle Mclaughlins hair has a side part. 'nuff said.
5) When Elizabeth Berkley pronounces Versace VERSASE. This actually taught me how to pronounce the gaudy ass designer's clothes. Now only if someone could have taught me how to pronounce Yves Saint Laurent or Hermes, I wouldn't have embarrassed myself when I moved to Philly. It's not like you can buy those clothes where I am from anyways. See, this movie IS educational.6) When I watch this movie, I always wonder if E.B. thought this would take her career to new heights. This would be her breakthrough role, forever banning Jesse Spano from people's minds. I wonder if she was like "Screw you, Tiffany Amber, I will be the only one to defy the Saved by the Bell curse!"
7) I just happened to catch the movie on TBS (whaaa?) and they use cutting edge Microsoft Paint to draw fake bras and panties on all the naughty bits. Artistic!
8) E.B's amazon ass riding Kyle Mclaughlin in the swimming pool. You know what I am talking about. Where you couldn't tell if she was having an orgasm or dying. I like to think it's a little of both.
9) E.B. dry humping Kyle Mclaughlin (is there a pattern here?) in the strip club while Gina Gershon watches. I had no idea that he came in his pants when I was younger. I didn't understand what happened and my mom wouldn't explain it to me. I thank her for this.
10) Possibly the worst scene in the whole movie. When her and that 'urban' guy are spazzing out (um, I mean, dancing) in his 'loft' and he sticks his hands down her camel toe inducing pants and gets menstrual blood on his fingers. I mean, was that necessary?It's like a train wreck, I am fascinated by this scene and am always disappointed when it's cut out of the cable version. Especially when he tells her that they can still hump because he 'has lots of towels'.
Please feel free to add to the list. When I come visit L.C. we are totally gonna have a Showgirls party....
by Hillbilly Harlot
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Kung Fu Rating Scale:
1 poison dart: More practice!
8 poison darts: Thank you, Master!
[SHAW BROTHERS, '76]
This movie made its American debut on the USA cable network in '88. I watched the original uncut version, so it was pretty raw and badly dubbed. I happen to love that in these films. The characters got some dope ass names like Invisible Thief, Devil Man, Killer Fan, Dynamite Man, and of course Super Guy, of Low Hand Security. Sick Weapons! The classic bladed fan, supa-sized spiked brass knuckles, and home boy Super Guy beats suckas down with his Giant Bowl! You know Super Guy be puffin' on the Low Hand Tip....ANYWAYS.An Asian prince finds himself in danger at the hands of gold thieves. Lots of ninja type magic and great fight scenes make up for the crazy plot twists and weird Chinese drama. In one scene Invisible Thief kicks back and eats a fresh roasted chicken he stole from a girl. WAIT.... While his brother sexually assaults the poor helpless maiden. SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD don' t like seein' the ladies disrespected. Especially in the first 2 min of the flick. No worries, Super Guy beats everybody ass with that Super pipe o' his. Nuff' Said Ya'll
My rating: 5 *poison darts*
Where can i cop it? eBay , 99cents and up, Canal St. in NYC
Check our friend SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD on myspace and peep his music page here - Jade Badger…while you’re there, check out his funky, kung-fu soul melodies.
Lady and Fluff
•Those ridiculous genie pants that are so pase, but too damn comfortable to send to the DAV
•All day weekend, shop-a-thons at the Salvation Army, Thrift Store City, and Family Thrift
•Empty Carlo Rossi jugs
•Dance offs in the living room with music so loud, it could wake the dead (that's one of our neighbors gettin down)
•Yelling at the local redneck who drives down the street too fast (remind you of anyone LC?)
•Porch gatherings that result in a permanent collection of beer cans and empty wine glasses on the front steps
•Broken glass everywhere!
•Heart to heart Lady and Fluff moments
•Yard sales in sweltering heat
•Block parties!! Speaking of, we’ll be hosting another one this year, so stay tuned…
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The White Rick Ross
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Wanna know how HoBo Fluff is? She sat down on a Saturday night (in lieu of the obligatory scene queen parade) and sculpted her first piece of performance art.
She admits to herself, the night started out a bleak shade of 2005 American Idol. But somehow ended in a bevy of snark, movement and hipster myspace pics…all facilitated by a lump of clay.
What do you think it looks like? Tree? A ziggurat? Dwarf Mountain?
It reminds me of the only time I went camping.