This Is All Just a Bad Dream

Have you ever NOT done something so amazing that you will never ever forgive yourself? Does that make sense? Well, hopefully it will when I tell you that I FU*KING missed Leslie and the Lys in Norfolk at a gay bar within walking distance! I went to bed at like 8pm that night like a loser when all the while she was rockin' the stage in her tight gold spandex suit and high kickin' it for some half steppin' fans who don't deserve her like I do. I read about it 2 days later and it felt like one of those nightmares where you're like running and you're not getting anywhere or you're trying to make it somewhere really important but you keep running over old ladies with walkers and you have to wait for the police to arrive, lock you up and then you have to steal the sleeping guard's keys out of his pocket with some long object that just happened to be laying around a jail cell before you can go anywhere. This whole time you are distraught with a sick feeling like you just need to be there now. This is how I felt but there's no waking up and there's no turning back the clock. I'ts been 2 days now and I've been mourning. I've actually already gone through 4 of the 5 stages of grieving. At first it was denial (I ripped up the news article I read about it and forbade anyone to talk about it in my presence and pretended the show never took place). I did the whole bargaining thing with "God" (Carlo Rossi) and I also got real pissed off (Leslie can't even shoot me a FU*CKIN evite or sumthin? Is she so big now that she's forgotten her true fans? Why would she even come to Norfolk, VA on a Wed? Damn her!). I'm in the depression stage right now and not accepting calls (booty or otherwise). So, the last stage is acceptance and I'll be working on that eventually. In the meantime, your condolences and non-perishable, monetary (Paypal accepted) gifts can be sent to ladyandfluff@gmail.com to aid in a quick mental recovery.


-Lady Chavez

Trend and Anti-trend

Trend: T-Tops

Okay, I don't know if this is actually cool right now but it should be. This dude rides down our street with a T-Top sumthin, mullet and American flag waving and he is not kidding. Oh to be so oblivious, carefree and proud of your country. These colors don't run! Sorry, anyway ummm I want to get a T-top immediately before everyone else starts snatching them up because its coming. I feel a T-top frenzy coming on like the clap and it hurts so good! Ladies, don't sleep because these cars are no longer just for dudes and not just for you to spread your legs on the hood. You need to be behind the wheel with the air from the T-top whistling through your ta-tas. It's on.

Anti-trend: Butts

No seriously, I like butts but sometimes don't you think, "Why?". Poop comes out of there! Someone else's shit comes out of there and its stinky and they might even have skidmarks right now as he/she is walking down the street! We don't even wanna talk about hemorrhoids and dingle berries all up in the butt hairs. These are all possibilities if someone does not shower DAILY. What percentage of the population do you think showers daily? Well, I tried to look it up for you and couldn't find anything but I think its like 2% or something. And... a healthy person has 2 to 3 good shits everyday so the chick in the baby phats right there just unleashed a big daddy in the can a few minutes ago. Think about it.

-LC

Lady, Fluff and Lolo Suicide

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Pop That P-Word

In the spirit of our Yo Majesty interview, I have decided to get over my "P" word phobia. My whole life I have been disgusted and repulsed by the word, not to mention offended. I am metaphorically "loose" when it comes to embracing new words, new ideas, new fads but not when it comes to the P-word. I picture fake boobs and high heels doing DVDA and saying, "Oh yeah, F that P-word!". Gross and icky! The P-word also conjures up images of construction workers jerking off into holey knee socks in their Isuzu Hombres while I'm watering the lawn and he's saying "Oh yeah, I can help you water your P-word, ho". Disgusting! But now, I will choose to not pigeonhole the expression but embrace it as I embrace all other things vagina-oriented. So, here it goes....PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY. I have a PUSSY and when I pop that PUSSY like this, its straight Kryptonite! Word

-LC

....now this leads us into the next post....

Dear Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez,

So I was hanging out with some of my friends a while back and one of
my friends who is gay had these two girls begging to sleep with him.
First they begged to make out with him. Then the one pleaded to have
sex with him and even offered up her friend's pussy as an extra
incentive. Now I understand that they were strippers, not respectable
ladies like yourself LC, but what the fuck? Did these girls think
they were so hot that they could turn a gay man straight? Or is this
how girls usually act with their gay dude friends? Are girls ever
like, "hmmm, I wonder how my pussy is tasting today... oh I know, I'll
just go sit on my homo friends face and ask him." Because that would
be fucked up and I'd totally have to change my strategy with the
ladies. I normally walk around trying to spread the message of "I
love pussy" like Flav tries to spread the message of what fucking time
it is. I literally walk around with a giant pocket pussy hanging from
a chain around my neck. (I've never considered that this might have
something to do with why I can't pick up women.) Anyhow, if girls are
always flashing their tits and rubbing all up on their gay friends,
then I'm gonna turn my pocket pussy chain in for a t-shirt that reads
"Punani is gross... ewww!!!! I'm really gay. Really, let me taste
your pussy and I'll prove it."

p.s. sorry for the gratuitous use of "pussy"

Eternally horny and potentially homo,
Scott Baio

Dear Scott,

Wow, I am so sorry that you were a total heart throb in Tiger Beat and now you're just beating it, watching gay dudes take the ladies. So you're hating on the gay dude phenomenon? I don't blame you because its something that needs to end.

Women /Strippers,

Please stop trying to "turn" homos straight. They don't care if it smells fresh or if your vag looks like a butthole with just some extra skin. They don't want it! They are homo for a reason....because girls are annoying, clingy, dramatic cunts who think everyone wants to do them.

Scott again,

Don't hate the playa', you must become one. Don't switch teams but become less available. If you're out at da club with some ladies and your homo friends, chat it up with the dudes and some other ladies and don't buy them any dranks until they're lap dancing you in desparation. A girl only hits on gay dudes because they're the ultimate challenge and if she gets dissed its only because they're gay (not because she is straight amateur in the sack or that she smells like a fish fry). So, play it cool, Scott and please do not invest in any pocket pussy medallions. Thanks!

Love,
Lady Chavez

Free Yo'self with Yo Majesty

Yo Majesty comes straight out of Tampa with raw lyrics and live shows that might make you blush at first but then make you wish you could keep it that real. Shunda granted us some answers to the questions you all want to know about the finest, proudest ladies from the South. They've got the banginest bangers to make you bounce.

L and F: Yo Majesty has been making its mark everywhere recently, not just in the hip hop circuit but where music is concerned in general. How does it feel to be so well received by fans of all genres?

Yo: Its ah blessin from the Lord to have da love dat we have...it's out of the ordinary kinda love! Dats wassup...

L and F: We haven't had the pleasure of seeing a live show. Can you describe what your shows are like? It looks like there are some boobies involved. Give us the scoop.

Yo: Its not about boobies. Its about da way the music makes the people feel. They say it makes them feel free, its a refreshin...its out of the ordinary; they say dat they've been waitin on dis for a long ass time!!!

L and F: Your lyrics have been well received in part because they are ruthless and uninhibited. Do you girls really live the life your lyrics would suggest?

Yo: People appreciate our realness. If we weren't walkin da walk dat we talk about, dat'll make us some fake ass bitches. Do you think we're fake???

L and F: You have been compared to groups like J.J. Fad and Salt-N-Pepa. Do you find this to be a compliment or do you try to stay away from being pigeonholed?

Yo: People are free to speak there opinions. We stepped into the game legends before the whole world will get to know who we are. But, on the real, you can call me Shunda and her Jwl.B.

L and F: What can we expect more and/or less of from Yo Majesty moving forward?

Yo: You can expect more truth and less bullshit when it comes to Yo Majesty concernin the industry period!!! We came to conquer...


L and F: When you girls get super big, are you gonna become media whores driving around all drunk and showing your privates like some celebrities we know?

Yo: We already super big. Dis supastar shit is over-rated. I told you, more truth and less bullshit!!!

Check them out... the one and only Yo Majesty

Tampons Hit Fashion Mainstream

Since we all know how practical tampons are (even when Aunt Flo isn’t here for a visit), Lady and Fluff decided it made complete sense for them to be the focal point for everyday, mundane items, like toupees, earrings and blowguns. What genius and where has it been our whole 28 years?!? The ideas are “flowing” from my brain…a tampon purse! A tampon iPod case…..a tampon pan flute???

Check out all the latest at Tampon Crafts! Lady is already working on her bling hip-hop tampon medallion...

"Shock Value Is Always Good Marketing" by Ardamus

So, you heard about the new title of Nas's album, right? Homie called it "N!gga" and then Def Jam told him he had to change it. So he changed it to "Nigger". Like, Def Jam told him to correct the spelling. Ha. One thing with Nas you have to agree on is that he trying to reach people out there more with his music using basic words that attract your eye. No one would give a damn if he called his album anything else. But he's smart and not just doing that to boost sales but to get a conversation going about the state of hip hop and the black community.

But lets take a step back and look at whats happened in hip hop latey for a second. We've got Oprah putting on a conference with Common, Rev. Ben Chavis, Kevin Liles, and Russell Simmons to discuss the state of hip hop due to what happened with Don Imus. Before that, Nas struck with "Hip Hop Is Dead" last year; which prompted every fucking interview I read to ask the artist if hip hop is dead. If you have to ask, then its dead to you is how I feel. And also, there was other things going on. Such as Cam'ron on 60 minutes with Anderson Cooper saying that he'd stay silent and not be a snitch; stating that it is a code of ethics that come into play from his background. And the whole 50 Cent vs. Kanye thing which kind of set them as having roles in the hip hop game being Kanye as the "concious" type and 50 being "gangsta". Which doesn't matter who was who because they each walked away with a shitload of money that most of will never see in our lifetime. And lets not forget the NAACP trying to bury then N-Word which didn't have much of an affect as far as I know. I bet I know someone who went to the N-word and soon as I saw them I heard "nigga please" or "whats my nigga?". Sorry, I was being sarcastic but you know what I mean. At least they tried.

So, what do all those things have in common? Controversy. Its keeping hip hop alive in a way that people do not see. At this point, hip hop is being asked to take responsiblity for certain things that are being put on the public for people to hear.And furthrmore, people keep talking about how they want more of a message in hip hop so, therefore, maybe Nas has a message within this album that the hip hop audience can grasp. Nas naming his album "Nigger" is a double-edged sword. On the good end of the spectrum, that album could raise more awareness of our language in hip hop music; as well as tackle issues that our black communities would like to neglect. The bad comes in where you have the majority of who buy albums, who are surburban caucasians, taking a title like this and running with the word in order to make it seem like its ok to say nigger. Not like it hasn't been happening already but a reinforcement of this amongst a bunch of dumb-ass wanna be 8 Mile assholes could happen. Just having that word in forefront would either make people turn to it or turn away from it. Either way, its gets that attention with the shock value, even if it is done without that sole intention.

And another to consider is that he could be following the footsteps of Dick Gregory's "Nigger: An Autobiography". If thats the case, then my homie K-Beta already beat Mr. Nasir Jones to the punch (http://cdbaby.com/cd/kbeta); which is an album people need to hear. Regardless of what people may think of this move, its a good challenge for hip hop because its probably the most blunt and straight forward genre of music out there. And with messages that artists can encode in their music, there's not telling what people will be able to grasp from what they say in the near future. With an album titled like that, it might be worth a listen since the title has a deeper meaning behind. Never what you'll expect.

Listening to music to corrupt my brain,

Ardamus

www.myspace.com/sumadra

www.reverbantion.com/ardamus

www.myspace.com/ardaplus

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

As a veteran hot chick, I go to great lengths not to be pictured with really corny dudes for fear I will lose all street cred. My new fav blog, Hot Chicks with Douchebags, chronicles the life and photography of the douchebag who always ends up in the pic with some fine girl. This site not only makes fun of them, but it manages to pinpoint and define the many subspecies of the douchebag. Check this site out especially if you think you may be in the douchebag family!

....and girls, stop letting d-bags take photos with you, its so lame...

B.Y.O.B.

Here in the city, a common phenomenon is to allow patrons to bring their own supply of alcohol to dinner. A strange concept for me, coming from VA where the beer flows freely and the tobacco fields can be viewed from one’s backyard (oh, and you can’t smoke indoors at a restaurant either). I wonder how wise this is on behalf of the establishment. I mean, I’m sure there is some legality in all of this- but since I am not a lawyer and have no desire to look this shit up on the internet, I can only comment on the retail aspect of it. In my opinion, every well-versed restaurateur knows that alcohol creates a certain air of “magic.” Atmosphere and location are certainly key, but give your patrons alcohol and even these things take a back seat to beer goggles and late night munchie attacks (which are the only things you remember the next day no matter how much you drank last night). Hot people and good food are more important than fake waterfalls and smoke machines. Alcohol impairs everyone’s judgment, making hot people and good food the saviors to a potentially bad night. Just think: alcohol is almost always the basis for any stories that are worth retelling. Remember that time Suzie drank the fifth of tequila and decided she could deep throat a beer bottle while dancing topless on the bar to Paula Abdul in an effort to impress that weird Bret Michaels guy with the eyeliner and prosthetic leg? She was so happy b/c she ended up going home with him…although we never did hear from her again. Or what about the time Bobby convinced those two heifers to mud wrestle in their underwears and then join him back at his mom’s trailer for a night of South Park and strip poker? Ok, maybe that stuff only happens in VA. But alcohol seems to be the reason many people make the worst mistakes of their lives…..but isn’t that also why everyone drinks it?

Anyhoo, I digress. If I owned a restaurant I would sell a ton of booze and make it B.Y.O.P – bring your own porno. Now THAT’s an interesting concept.

Just a thought,

Fluffers

Naughty Pumps a No Go

So, we were trying to find y'all some naughty ass pumpkin patterns because we know you're as immature as us and want to see boobie and vagina pumpkins everywhere. We couldn't find any but we found this site as equally ridiculous with "celebrity" patterns. Brit Brit is up there looking all at her prime which was a bummer because we wanted one with ratty extensions, pimples, and badly done collagen lips throwing up frozen caramel lattes and ex-lax onto our porch. We can't decide who we are going to use but its a toss up between Eddie Murphy, Joan Rivers and Steve Irwin (RIP). Which one will you choose, check them out at Pumpkin Glow

Posts, they are a 'changin'

Ok boys and girls. We're moving to a different format. Instead of updating the blog once a week, we're gonna be putting the new new shit up pretty much every day. There will be about the same amount of posts, just spread out. We have daily brilliant ideas that we lose because we don't throw them up right away. So, come back everyday and leave some damn comments people! We know we're always right about everything so there are no negative posts but let us know that you're feelin' us. It's an interactive type situation friends. Love ya!

Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl

.....Oh and we have some really cool side stuff going on that you'll know about soon...