Saturday, October 13, 2007

We Made Out With Psalm One

Ok, not really but we did get a candid interview from the only female emcee on RSE (Rhymesayers Entertainment). Whether on tour with Brother Ali or grabbing crotches when you ain't lookin', she's got somethin' in store for you. Don't underestimate Psalm One or her ability to out battle you and your crew.

L AND F: We like to highlight females artists in particular each week and you're extra special because you are the only female on the Rhymesayers label. Do you think you get just as much respect as the dudes and do you foresee any other females joining anytime soon?

P1: I’m extra special because I’m the only female on the RSE label, yep. I don’t think I get as much respect as the dudes, I’m absolutely sure of it. People talk shit about everyone, they’re on blogs and forums and youtube comments, but never to my face. Even in a battle they come right back and apologize. I’m that charming. And regarding other females on the label? I have no control over that but I’m thinking, uh….no.

L and F: In your song, "Peanuts" you allude to the fact that you were overweight and an outcast for the first part of your life. How important is it for you to address this now that your voice is more readily heard. And, would you have ever gone on Montel and done one of "I Went From Fat to All That" shows?

P1: It wasn’t really addressing the weight as opposed to my ex-best friend who, as a shorty, used to love me in private and in public tried to diss and my big ass and thighs were the only thing he could ride on, no pun intended. I would love to address the weight issues all American women have, but I don’t wanna be corny about it. I’m sweating as I type this ‘cause I just ran for an hour. Who wants to be sans energy with mega flub? Not me. And no, never Montel. Never Jenny Jones. Never. Cuz I’ve always been adorable. Synagogue.

L and F: We think we're pretty funny and we can hear in your lyrics that you have jokes too. We can see you pulling pranks on tour. Got any good ones?

P1: I was on tour with my brother, Ali (I’m albino too) and the opening act lost his voice the first week. His DJ told him to take shots of Tabasco. While it wasn’t my idea to tell him this, I’m using it one day. Oh boy. But pranks? I just tell them every night I’m on my period and horde the vodka. And I grab their crotches and run away.

L and F: So, you tour with a lot of the male artists on your label and beyond. Do you have mad dudes hitting on you on the tour bus? What is the worst pickup line?

P1: I mean, sure, I get hit upon. Aren’t we all human? Also, there’s something really sexy to me about touring. Not so much the durty man smell, but the sweat, the money, the adoration, the hotels, turkey jerky, saunas, etc, etc. The worst line I got was when people tell me they wanna make out with me. I have shirts that say, “I made out with Psalm One”. Damn, I already put that out there…gimme fifteen bucks and bring better game.

L and F: Slug may be one of the most well-known emcees on the label and he's never gone mainstream when he could have. Do you feel you'll be the same way? Do you think Rhymesayers may become "mainstream" as a label?

P1: Mainstream, eh? I dunno. I’m having a blast at the house Slug built. And, I’ve been approached by some more-than-indie entities. But I’m happy. And one pay day and a little bit of extra shine now does not longevity make. I see so many people pseudo-“blowing up” right now. But for the most part the music sucks and they seem like characters. Where will they be in two years? At my show hating. I wanna do this ‘til my bones give out, and be able to afford the lifestyle to which I am accustomed. I get that now. If a bigger label can allow more, with my sanity, who knows? But I doubt it. Hype is Hype. And no, RSE will never do that mainstream thing. I know that for a fact.

L and F: When you blow up real big, will you be a media whore, driving around drunk and showing your privates like some other stars we know?


Check out Psalm One on her Myspace and buy the CD!

You can also go here....

Guilty Pleasure of the Month

Ok, I have a confession to make. I am a huge fan of JoJo. You know… that teeny bopper with the grown and sexy voice always singin’ about stuff she shouldn’t know about yet. I can’t help it because she reminds me sooooooo much of me in my middle school days. I was always looking older than I really was and actin’ like I was from the streets. My family was meeting the minimum to be considered middle class and I was straight hood anyway. My boyfriend carried a razor blade around in his mouth and went to one of those “special schools” where he was in solitary most of the day. I’m not even joking. Not only that, but I thought I was a star just like JoJo. I would videotape The Fly Girls from In Living Color and learn all the routines. I wanted to be that one blonde, longhaired dancer who was the chosen white girl to be down with the sistas and J Lo. When I see JoJo in the hallway at school in her video, I just want to take her by the hand and say, “It’s ok JoJo. Just because you’re like me….smokin’ hot early in the game, knowing way too much about hip hop for a normal Caucasian adolescent, doesn’t mean that you need to go hoein’ around and then singin’ about it. But please do, because I really like your songs and it brings me back to standing at the bus stop with my 40 cents, cause I was too young to drive myself to hook up with my thugged out, emotionally disturbed boyfriend."

Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez,

Dear Lady Chavez,

I met this guy on the internet and he wants to meet up but I've heard some wild stories about that and don't want to end up in the trunk of a Caprice Classic. Any suggestions?


Dear Anonymous,

This is a very valid concern. We first need to mention that it is no longer lame to meet someone on the internet otherwise I would have started laughing at you immediately. I don't do that anymore because there really are instances where people find their "soulmates" and live happily ever after (I'm just going off those eHarmony commercials because those people aren't acting). So, what you need to do is stalk him. Borrow a friend's car and you are probably 30 pounds heavier than your Myspace picture so no need for a disguise. Follow him to work and back and to his extracurricular activities. Given he doesn't have a roommate, sneak in while he's out walking the dog and look for anything suspicious. This means duct tape, firearms and large rubber fists. I would also canvass the local bars for more info. By doing all of these things, you should have a better idea of who you are dealing with. To ensure your safety however, bring a friend along for the first date, but make sure she is much uglier and fatter than you. Good luck!

Lady Chavez

Trend and Anti-trend

This week have the same picture for trend and anti-trend. Let me know if you feel us ok?

Trend: Fabric Chains

We are huge fans of these fabric chains we found by Etsy seller takeoffyourclothes. This is appropriate because I’m thinking that this chain definitely works best without a shirt for a dude and maybe with a female wife beater for a girl. The chest hair is key in this pic so please make sure you're packin' some fur (especially if you are shirtless this fall)


So, they also make those hats with 2 bills, which we are not so sure about. We're big fans of form and function and we're not sure how practical the 2nd bill is. What do you guys think?

Adventures in Vegetarianism: The Rodeo

Ok, seriously, the rodeo is one of the most idiotic and senseless “sports” I have ever heard of. They tie ropes around bulls’ balls, squeeze them until they get real pissed and then ride them until they fall off. What the f*ck?! Just because I thought Dylan from 90210 looked hot in 8 Seconds back in the 90’s does not mean that I advocate the rodeo. And just to add salt to the wound, the Oklahoma State Penitentiary has an annual rodeo where inmates compete and it’s a HUGE affair. What happened to making license plates and doing each other up the butts? They need a rodeo to keep them busy now? Check out the photo gallery on Courttv of this stellar showing of toothless felons riding their way to freedom (they’ve got their wranglers on for the rodeo but you know their chaps are assless in the cell). My fav pic is of the young boy (above) rooting for his granddaddy who is normally in the hole for selling meth but rides bareback every year at this event. Go Peepaw!

Craft of The Week

We found these hairy ass panties (on Etsy or course!). I would totally wear these on a first date (I mean 3rd date...whoops) and when dude takes down my pants he'd be having flashbacks of Madonna in that playboy lookin' all kinds of overgrown. Axl Rose is comin' out singin' "Welcome to the Jungle". He would either think its really funny and not care or be really grossed out (AKA not a keeper)

The Ongoing Homothug Saga

Ok, so y'all know we are obsessed with homothugs. Wendy Ho is our homegirl and has made a homothug cartoon you need to check out. Watch it all the way through and you'll be in for some BIG surprises!

Homothug cartoon by Wendy Ho

UPDATE: This video was taken down on her site and youtube. I think it was even too nassy for mature audiences. Oh well. Anyway, we need more insight into homothuggism, so if you have more info for us, hit us up on Myspace

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Reunited and It Feels So Hood

So, Fluffgirl came to town yesterday and instead of preparing an artist interview for you guys, we decided to go to our hometown Fall Festival, make fun of everyone and then go home and get drunk (Fluffgirl turns out to be the lightweight of the 2 and ends up on the ground much of the night).

Fall Festival of Folklife in Newport News, VA

So, its basically our hometown trying to be all about culture and heritage or something and it ends up being a bunch or white folks eating turkey legs and just being sincerely ridiculous. We made a photo album for our readers:

L: Chick with blood stain on the back of her drawers! Why?
F: Did we speculate yet on how that got there? Like, maybe she was picking her Bacne and it bled all over her skivvies? Or possibly, she dripped all over herseff while making a pit stop in the porta-potty? Either way, the fact that you can almost see her crack makes it even better.

L: It wouldn't be a festival without the "cats popping out of the pocket" denim shirts
F: The woman who made this shirt was glaring at you while we stood there laughing and taking photos. Her PHD (Pentecostal HairDo) was very "folk life."

L: One stand had just relish and this lady was paying for hers out of her Jeff Gordon purse! Yessss!
F: Um. No comment.

L: African Amerimullet in full effect
F: Dammit! I forgot to ask her where she gets her custom mullet wigs made...I like how it was blonde in the front and honey brown in the back. Oh, and nice purse.

Back at the Hood

L: Fluffgirl gets started

F: OMG! That's not me. I don't smoke and I don't drink. NEVER. Wait a sec....

L: Trying to hit rock bottom like Britney (Lady Chavez doesn't have to try that hard)
F: I know a certain blonde from our past that makes Britney look like Miss America.

L: Those strips are a damn rip off!
F: What am I looking at?!?

F: Colombo models his new flea market tie
L: Picture by Nancy Drew.

L: Token Gay Guy does not approve
F: If he doesn't guest blog for us soon, we are gonna make him wear nipple pasties, patent leather pants and stiletto boots for our next fashion spot.

L: Fluffgirl does not make it very far

F: I definitely felt that the next day...

L: Now for the lovey, chalk artsy stage of drunkenness

F: FAME (Lito)! I'm gonna live forever!!

L: Hating it late night
F: I was trying to draw my trademark skull and crossbones. Something tells me it didn't come out right.

L: Well, that was our day of reuniting. Fluffgirl officially has decided that Lady Chavez is the best and worst friend ever. We'll have more artists interviews next week so stay tuned.
F: Lady, i heart you!!

Dear Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez,

I have a dinner date at my house planned with this new girl I like. I’m what you’d call a player but I would retire just for her. She’s kind of a goody goody and might even be a virgin. I’m used to sluts and chickenheads. Any tips for our first date?

Ron Mexico

Dear Ron,

I was pretty sure there was no such thing as a female “goody goody”anymore, but let’s go with it. First of all, you need to set the mood in your place. This means not too bright and not too Jeffrey Dahmer dim. Cue up your computer to play some feel good music that will make her trust you into feeling on her. I heard “good” girls like Josh Groban. Oh and that song about the bubbly face by Colbie Callait…that song even makes me wanna frolic through daisies and shit (no LSD or anything!). Ooh and that new song by Elliot Yamin is so hot right now with virgins. She will be impressed that you know American Idol and that you aren’t all snaggletoothed like him. Now, cook some food that is not too heavy (noodles and bread just make women feel fat and make them want to keep their clothes on). I suggest a nice tofu salad. It is light and makes a girl think you are an animal lover so you must not be all that bad. The wine must be flowin’ at all times and make sure your damn bathroom is clean. This is the most important thing. When “good” girls go on dates, they are thinking about long term and if you have pubes chillin’ on the sink and the toilet seat is up with some nast coating, then she will not sleep with you. She will picture you 40 and balding, spraying pubes everywhere and not cleaning up after yo’self. Trust. Lastly, do not admit you’re a manwhore. We’ve all seen the Days of our Lives where the guy’s about to get to stickin’ and he has some epiphany with this “special girl” that he has to be honest and she’s like, “Oh, hell no” and puts her robe on. Don’t go out like that.

Good Luck!
-Lady Chavez

Lights Out

I am so ghettofab that my power got cut off last week. Yeah, I made it through just fine, paid The Man the next day and got it cut back on. But now I'm broke FOR REAL and for like another month. So, I have compiled a list of things I've done so far or will be doing over the course of the next month in response to the fact that I'm fucking broke.

Lady Chavez's Guide to Scrapin' By

1) Eat ketchup sandwiches
2) Play chess (but cut the heads off your old barbies and attach to the playing pieces...oh, and make the token black barbie queen for a day)
3) Go diving at a dumpster near you
4) Dress your cat up like Al Pacino in Carlito's Way and film him gesturing, "You think you like me? You not like a punk!"
5) Listen to your old mix tapes your ex made you or ones you made for him but you broke up before you gave it to him (you know the clear one with the yellow label)
6) Take some speed and renact the scene from Saved by the Bell when Jesse takes all those uppers and sings, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm soooooo scaaaaaaared" (sob)
7) Play Girl Talk if you still have all the pimple stickers
8) Send an evitation to your friends for "Party at My Place. BYOB and some for me!"
9) Spread glue on your hand and peel it off over and over
10) Put on Barry Manilow and make out with someone named Mandy

Trend and Anti-trend

Trend of the Week: The 'Stache

We have seen that the mustache is back and not quite in full effect like Tom Selleck but getting there. As long you don't already have a tendency to look like a child molester, then go for it.

Anti-trend: Baby Mohawk

Thanks a lot Brangelina and Travis Barker for making one of the staples of punk, the Mohawk, a household haircut at a ‘burb near you. If your kid is rocking the ‘hawk, he might as well just be kicking Iggy Pop and Glen Danzig in the nuts with his “must have of the season” soccer cleats. It makes me sick to see corny ass Navy wives walkin’ thru the mall like, “See, look how punk my son is” as he’s gnawin’ on some McDonald’s french fries wearing Baby Gap. A baby cannot be “punk” anyway. Someone wipes his ass every hour and he sleeps with a glowworm. Someone please bring the bowl cut back ASAP.

Craft of the Week

When did shrinky dinks become so cool? Well we think it was around when the wheel was invented so that is why these bicycle shrinky dink earrings are so fly. They're $8 from Passionflower. That's only $4 per Schwinn! They are way lightweight, smokin' hot and F*cking huge. My only request is that you not actually where these while riding a bike because that would just be redundant.

Adventures in Vegetarianism

I changed the name of this segment because I thought the old one didn't fit with where I'm trying to go with this. I want this weekly post to be anything and everything having to do with being cooler than others via being vegetarian.

We vegetarians know how hard it is to find a mate who does not eat meat. It is nearly impossible. You have to end up converting some guy/girl by holding out on the goods until he/she goes veg. While switching more people over to vegetarianism is good, sometimes you just don't even have the energy to start all over with some new and ignorant potential BF or GF. And, instead of fishing through Craigslist or Myspace for someone veg, they now have sites out specifically for non-meat eaters to peruse freely and be as picky as you want to be. You can check out Veggie Date or Veg Singles. I'm sure there are more but I'm real hungover, thanks.


Lady Chavez

Random Blog by Fluffgirl

coming soon...or not