Dear Lady Chavez Week

Fluffgirl is preparing for an art show and I need to get my life together in general so we're posting some Dear Lady Chavez from past and present starting with the first....Enjoy!

This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez,

Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?

Love,Need to Pay My Rent

Dear Rent,

Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.

P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother? Dang, just askin'

Love,
Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez

Dear Lovely Chavez,

Now I've had conversations before with friends about how long a guy should wait to call up a honey after getting her digits. I've always been like, fuck that noise. I mean if we hit it off from the start and she's fit and I'm trying to get with her, it's like boom, I might call her the next day just to say hi. But if I'm not feeling her that much, I might wait til the next time I'm waiting for my creepy crawlers to set to call her up. But this is the flipside of that coin. How much time has to go by before it's too late to call her? Weeks??...Months??...Years? This is my situation.

I came back to the Twin Towns to visit my fam for the holidays and out of boredom I was
going thru boxes of my old crap in the basement. I came across my old school yearbooks. And from the ages of like 12-16 there was a girl who always signed my yearbook and left her digits. She always left comments about me being cute and funny and sweet and requests for me
to call her and all this. I mean we were friends and shit, but I think she wanted something more. I stalked her on myspace and found out she still stays just outside Minneapolis and she's single. I'm now 24 and have never really talked to her, that I can remember, since I up and bounced at the age of 17 to go out on my own to see the world. But now I'm home for like a month and I just wanna say hi... and maybe fuck. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere between a b rated chick flick and an episode of Dateline's To Catch a Predator. Please help.

Love Always,

San Dimas High School Football Rules!!!

Dear San,

First of all...what a dumbass! Sorry, but dudes are either like you and totally oblivious even if you're GIVING them a motorboat in gym class by shoving your chest into their face or you totally don't want to hook up with the guy (hence, the kick to the balls in Chemistry) and they won't leave you alone. There seems to be no in between. In my secret business where I play on the internet all day pretending to do my job, statutes of limitations are very important or else you are SOL (no acronym pun intended). With calling this girl, it would be weird to get a call past 5 years which is a good solid SOL for any situation and you're talking 10 years right here. She may be single but she still may have the old ball and chain (AKA a kid- just kidding Mini Chavez).

Anyway, so this could go one of 2 ways. You could either call her and she's all like, "Hell yeah, you know I had the biggest crush on you. I thought you'd never take the hint. Now, we can go on one date and I can show you what you've missed out on all this time" or she could be like, "Why the fuck is you callin' me? Are you that desparate that you're scouring your yearbook to pick up chicks just to say 'Hi, remember me? Lets fuck!'" Ouch! Well for your sake, I hope its the former.

Fluffgirl will tell you that I am sometimes THE WORST advice giver, because normally my response is, "Fuck it, why not?" regardless of the possible consequences and or/diseases. I would also say go for it in this situation and if she blows you off on the phone just tell her its opposite day and you would never hook up with her because she whores herself out in the yearbook like she's running for Most Likely To Get Suck Seeds and get supersoaked (sorry, that sounds grody).

Love,

LC

Dear Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez,

I have a dinner date at my house planned with this new girl I like. I’m what you’d call a player but I would retire just for her. She’s kind of a goody goody and might even be a virgin. I’m used to sluts and chickenheads. Any tips for our first date?

Signed,
Ron Mexico

Dear Ron,

I was pretty sure there was no such thing as a female “goody goody”anymore, but let’s go with it. First of all, you need to set the mood in your place. This means not too bright and not too Jeffrey Dahmer dim. Cue up your computer to play some feel good music that will make her trust you into feeling on her. I heard “good” girls like Josh Groban. Oh and that song about the bubbly face by Colbie Callait…that song even makes me wanna frolic through daisies and shit (no LSD or anything!). Ooh and that new song by Elliot Yamin is so hot right now with virgins. She will be impressed that you know American Idol and that you aren’t all snaggletoothed like him. Now, cook some food that is not too heavy (noodles and bread just make women feel fat and make them want to keep their clothes on). I suggest a nice tofu salad. It is light and makes a girl think you are an animal lover so you must not be all that bad. The wine must be flowin’ at all times and make sure your damn bathroom is clean. This is the most important thing. When “good” girls go on dates, they are thinking about long term and if you have pubes chillin’ on the sink and the toilet seat is up with some nast coating, then she will not sleep with you. She will picture you 40 and balding, spraying pubes everywhere and not cleaning up after yo’self. Trust. Lastly, do not admit you’re a manwhore. We’ve all seen the Days of our Lives where the guy’s about to get to stickin’ and he has some epiphany with this “special girl” that he has to be honest and she’s like, “Oh, hell no” and puts her robe on. Don’t go out like that.

Good Luck!
-Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez,

Dear Lady Chavez,
Is it ok to recycle my ex?

Sincerely,
One is the loneliest Number

Dear One,

I am glad you brought this up because it is something I have been meaning to tell all of you...Hell to the fuck no! I have been guilty of this all over the place so I am officially certified to tell you this is a bad idea. You will waste months and months of your life that you can NEVER get back. If it didn't work the first time, then let it go, for real. You will just break up again, only
this time you will feel even more stupid and he probably would have gotten a birthday and hanukkah presents out of it. You will probably just be the recipient of one of his newly acquired std's.

Ok, how can I explain this better? Recycling an ex is like drunk-dialing because loneliness is just as intoxicating as a night of $1 jager bombs and an 8 ball. You will metaphorically be doing the walk of shame right back to your apartment where you started but you've lost your dignity and your ass virginity.

Yours Truly,
Lady Chavez

To submit a question to Lady Chavez, please email us at ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez,

This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to ladyandfluff@gmail.com


Dear Lady Chavez,

Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?

Love,

Need to Pay My Rent


Dear Need To Pay My Rent,

Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.


P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother?

Dang, just askin'

Love,

Lady Chavez