Thursday, December 13, 2007

Don't Ruin This For Me

So I heard that super old skool song, "Let's Chill" by Guy and I got all ghetto-fab and was like, "Awwwww shit! This is my song!" So, I got so happy that I decided it was my favorite R&B song ever and then I thought of a million other songs and narrowed it down to just the 90's. Then I retracted that and decided it is the best song to hear while you're making out at the carnival behind the port-o-potty this week only. Don't ruin this for me because I never commit to anything and I have committed to this song falling under this category and I don't want anyone to take this away from me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Trend and Anti-trend

Trend: Bike Messengers

You've all seen them, lining the curb at a gas station, refueling their fit bodies/begging before they act as the ultimate middle man on 2 wheels. I am reminded of that Brady Bunch episode where one of the kids is transporting blueprints for dad and really effs it up. I like to pretend that the stinky hippies who take up bike messaging (or is it a chicken/egg situation?) are carrying Mr. Brady's blueprints to safety and that is sexy. There is something about these patchouli-wearing couriers that makes me want to quit my real job, get some cool gloves and ride shotgun (= handlebars).

Anti-trend: Shit-locks

I am an advocate for all things natural and this means dreds, especially. Dreds are sexy and lead me to believe that dude is about "something". No one ever knows what that "something" is but that isn't important. What I don't like is when dude 1) has multiple dreds sprouting uniformly from his dome like he spent hours in front of the bathroom mirror separating and cultivating his knotted hair 2) wears a t-shirt around his locks 3) has 3 huge dreds total, looking like he has just forgotten about the hair on his head entirely. That is too hardcore for me. I see many a white dude sporting this look and sometimes he is a bike messenger. The shit locks trump the bike messenger hotness and knocks him into the anti-trend category and ultimately he is totally unattractive.

"Mommy and Me" By Hillbilly Harlot

MF seeks SF or MF for drinking, dancing and shopping. Must have lots of drama and like to shoot tequila. Must be willing to piss outdoors and ride public transportation..........
It's so incredibly hard to make friends as an adult. Especially after moving to a different town where you know not one person. Every single friend I have made over the past 6 years has been through work. Which is fine. Hell, one of my bff's I met through work. She runs a blog and is too busy to call or email me (hint...her initials are L and C) Anyways. She laze.
I tried making some friends online and actually met one several months back. Now, I like her fine but we went out with some of her friends in the dirty south (jersey, that is). Her friend kept telling us about their latest 'girl'. See, these people are swingers. Real, true life swingers. And no, they weren't in their 50's like HBO would like you to believe. Oh, and the guy lives above a gun shop. God, I love south jersey. I have not hung out with my online friend since then.

I recently started a 2nd job at a retail store that imports junk from poverty stricken countries and sells it to suburban housewife's with a 400% mark up. I really like working there. It's a stress free job and pays poorly. It gets my ass away from the computer. It inspires me to decorate my own house with $40 pillows that a worker in China earned $1 (if that) to make. I am trying to make friends at this job. There are two girls I see as potential friends. One is in her 30's and works for the big ol University in Philly. She's sarcastic and funny. The other is a younger girl who is going to school to become a fashion designer. She's vegan and kinda quiet. We tentatively made plans to eat vegan Dim Sum in Chinatown soon. I was elated after the conversation with her consisting of how nasty soymilk is and how yummy tofu hoagies are.
I feel like a damn stalker. I just need some companionship for christsake. I mean, I love the husband but I need someone to do girlie things with. Like drink whiskey and try on clothes at Daffy's. Someone to sing Joan Jett with me in the car. Someone who understands the fabulousness of the movie "Big Business". Someone to quote John Waters with (Tea Bag him, Larry!).
It sounds like what I need is a Fairy Gay Mother. Most people in Philly are from the area and have known their friends for years. It's a small circle and it's hard to break into. I feel in order to make friends at this point, I either need to get a dog or a baby. I don't want either.

Hillbilly "Hag sans Fag" Harlot

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Elves aren't Real?

We have an announcement to make.....Santa is not real and his elves do not make the toys. Consequently, half of the time the presents are pieced togther by chinese minors who do not have the time nor the money to celebrate just so you can have the luxury of passing around a bunch of crap you will never use. The other 50% of gifts are made by robots like Number 5 who are also victims of this holiday consumerism. We just found this out this year and are distressed by it so we took the 1st Annual Buy Handmade Pledge! We have been pimpin' Etsy out like we're makin' commission or at least getting some ass and Christmas/Chanukah are no different. Get all your gifts there or if you have some local stores that are all about the DIY revolution, hit those up. We know our readers are smarter, more righteous and better in bed than those other blog readers so get out your grandmother's credit card, chew some more of her vicodin and get out there and fight for Number 5!