Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dear Lady Chavez: Dungeons and Dragons

Dear LC,
So I have been seeing this girl for about 4 or 5 weeks now and there is this strange thing going on between us, I'm not sure how to handle it. About two weeks ago it was raining out and she was on her wayover and I was looking for something for the two of us to do. I always try to be original with my ideas and try stuff out that neither of us have ever done before. I know this is weird, but I had been storing a bunch of my brother's stuff at my place and I saw his old
Dungeons and Dragons shit sitting in some crates. I had never played D&D before because I was the youngest in my family, so it was something my brother and cousin did, but I was never invited. Truth be told, I spent most of my time as a younger kid erect. I had a serious problem of getting excited or aroused easily and therefore I walked around with a boner from about the ages of 12 to 15, when I finally gained some self control. I mean I'd work it out and everything, but then it would be back again in like 3 minutes. Geez, I musta masturbated about 75 times a day back then. So anyhow this made me terribly awkward to hang out with, so I wasn't invited to do much with the other kids. But I digress... so I never got to play D&D, right. So she came over and agreed it would be fun and weird to play D&D. We started playing and I have to admit, the game was fucking lame. But my girl was getting horny as hell, so I kept on. Before I know it we're going at it right on the table on top of the game and she's talking all freaky, which she had never really done before. She's screaming about riding my dragon, and venturing into her dungeon, and something about her being the baddest elf princess bitch in all the land. I mean I have to admit, it was hot and kinky and I was having a good time. But she hasn't stopped with the whole act yet and everytime we have sex now we have to do this weird role playing. She makes me wave around this staff she bought on e-bay and cast spells and wear this wizards hat. I can't really do this whole routine without laughing and that's when she gets really mad and says she is a rabid goblin and starts biting me. I don't mean like nibbling or anything remotely sexy, I mean she tears bloody chunks of flesh off my body. Anyway, I'm pretty worried, what should I do?

Have you ever heard of this before?

Geekier than ever,
Third Level Dungeon Master

Dear Dungeon Master,
Well, first of all I know it is normal for young boys to maturbate 75 times a day because my bro and I had a heart to heart in a hotel room on vacay one time and he said he just couldn't stop and I was really grossed out. I mean, he wasn't doing it right then, oh nevermind! Anyway, all I know about D & D is that it is like you said, super lame and the nerdiest shit you can do. So, when someone does something nerdy or is wearing anything mythical-like, I'm like, "Oh what are you into D & D too?". And they're like, "Shut the f*ck up LC!". It is apparently also shameful for all those involved. Now, role-playing D & D for sex is not so lame unless 1) you want to do it ALL the time and 2) you inflict wounds beyond the 1st layer of skin. Now trust, I am a big proponent for role-playing which is why you will see me scouring the after halloween sales for some get-ups the whole month of November.... but you've got to know your role and change your role. Nawmean? Ain't no dungeon dark and wet enough for you to be sticking your staff into some crazy bitch (plus, you might get a staff infection...get it?!)

Yours Truly,

Lady Chavez

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dear Lady Chavez: The Olsen Twins

Dear Lady Chavez,

Okay i've got a conundrum. I'm trying to decide which olsen twin i want to get serious with. Mary-Kate has the better fashion sense and by far the better drugs, but she won't give me anything more than a little hovercraft action, or dryhump if you will. Meanwhile ashley loves the cock.

Danny Tanner

Dear Danny,

First of all, I am going to pretend you did not just sign that Danny Tanner because you just ruined Full House for me and I'm pretty sure that is a felony in some states. Mary-Kate or Ashley...hmmmmm....well, if this was real life I would tell you to choose Door #3 even if it was a one-legged carny with full blown Hep C. However, since you are adamant it be one or the other and this is my alter ego (not the angel on your shoulder or devil on the other side, but the one in the middle and further down towards the welcome mat) I will guide you. If you choose Mary Kate, her outfits might not be atrocious but you want her naked, so this is irrelevent. As far as drugs go, if you hang with MK, she might fix you up a nice cocktail but then you'll have the disease (not the imaginary disease that Christina Ricci had in Black Snake Moan where she had to do everyone or it hurt) but the one where your white snake won't work and will only slither around in your boxers, hence the reason she's always dry humping. Ashley, is your best bet since she's ample and willing. Plus, Paris steals all her boyfriends so its like a two-for-one...wait, or is that Mary-Kate? Damn, I'm getting those elfin hoes confused...just go with Stephanie.

Lady Chavez

If you too would like some Lady Chavez advice, please email her at

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Dear Lady Chavez: Online Dating

Dear Lady Chavez,

I met this guy on the internet and he wants to meet up but I've heard some wild stories about that and don't want to end up in the trunk of a Caprice Classic.

Any suggestions? Thanks!


Dear Anonymous,

This is a very valid concern. We first need to mention that it is no longer lame to meet someone on the internet otherwise I would have started laughing at you immediately. I don't do that anymore because there really are instances where people find their "soulmates" and live happily ever after (I'm just going off those eHarmony commercials because those people aren't acting). So, what you need to do is stalk him. Borrow a friend's car and you are probably 30 pounds heavier than your Myspace picture so no need for a disguise. Follow him to work and back and to his extracurricular activities. Given he doesn't have a roommate, sneak in while he's out walking the dog and look for anything suspicious. This means duct tape, firearms and large rubber fists. I would also canvass the local bars for more info. By doing all of these things, you should have a better idea of who you are dealing with. To ensure your safety however, bring a friend along for the first date, but make sure she is much uglier and fatter than you. Good luck!


Lady Chavez

Monday, April 21, 2008

Dear Lady Chavez Week

Fluffgirl is preparing for an art show and I need to get my life together in general so we're posting some Dear Lady Chavez from past and present starting with the first....Enjoy!

This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to

Dear Lady Chavez,

Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?

Love,Need to Pay My Rent

Dear Rent,

Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.

P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother? Dang, just askin'

Lady Chavez

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Bitch Better Have My Ameros!

You have to watch this 9 minute clip from the documentary Zeitgeist. Has anyone heard about One World Government? Discuss...