Saturday, December 22, 2007

"Why I'm Going to Hell" by Lady Chavez

This will be the first installment of "Why I'm going to Hell" because this applies to me too much not to blog about it. I DO NOT listen to current country music but somehow I came across the gayest Christmas country song of all time. Let me paint you a picture...a boy stands in front of a shoe store and asks some random dude (who happens to be a really mediocre singer) to buy his terminally ill mother these shoes, they are just her size, blah blah blah. The random dude must hurry before she meets Jesus. I have never felt so manipulated into crying in my life! (well, there was Mr. Holland's Opus). Regardless, I was laughing my ass off at the boy, his mother and this guy who thinks we are believing them all.

I know some white trash mother is crying her eyes out to this little diddy and it just makes my Christmas.

Friday, December 21, 2007

New Years Resolution for You

Words and Phrases I would like to see resurface and be used liberally for the New Year:

1) dilsnik

2) "you're a herb" (hard "h")

3) tenderoni

4) "hot to trot" (for Hillbilly Harlot)

5) loosey goosey

6) "word is bond"

7) frostbitten (ala Ice T)

8) "to' up from the flo' up"

9) "SYKE!"

10) "maxin' and relaxin"

Add some to the list in the comments section...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

"It's My Addiction, Damn It" by Hillbilly Harlot

I know many people will have some time off over the next few days. Now you could spend time with your family, friends or cats. Or you could do what I normally do. Settle in Peg Bundy style with some bon bons and stirrup pants on the couch and tune into LMN. Yes, that's Lifetime Movie Network. A WHOLE channel dedicated to the art of the Lifetime Movie. Now, Lifetime is supposed to be "television for women". I always took that as meaning, empowering women. I was wrong. Here is the essential Lifetime Movie list. It's not to be missed

Let's start with the Tori Spelling series

Co-ed Call Girl: A naive college student gets drawn into the life of prostitution and drugs. Will she ever get out? Will her nose collapse? A MUST SEE

Death of a cheerleader: Corky's sister stars as a wannabe cheerleader who stabs Tori Spelling. You will stay on the edge of your seat waiting to see if her croquet ball implant leeks.

True Life Chronicles

Life is not a fairytale: The Fantasia Barrino Story: The AI winner plays herself in this biography. I'm not sure how she read the script. (yes, I am going to hell, thanks) but the part where she vomits on the breakfast table is priceless. Slow motion worthy. The part where the electricity gets turned off is good too.

Shattered Innocence: This is my FAVORITE lifetime movie. Made in 1988 it is based upon the short life of Shauna Grant. A porn actress and nude model. A young, naive girl from Kansas moves to Los Angeles to become a movie star. She gets some photos taken wearing nothing but chaps and a cowboy hat, starts doing porn, gets addicted to coke, wears alot of sequin dresses, does more porn, manages a leather goods store, does more coke.. I don't wanna give away the ending.

Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story: What is a young girl to do between one hit TV series and another? Star in movies like Street Fighter, Poison Ivy 2 and of course, this movie. I love her LI accent and her bitchin Camaro that the Buttafuco is always 'fixing' for her. This movie is totally biased and makes Amy Fisher look like a slut psycho and paints the greasy Joey as innocent but it's still worth a watch.

Just plain bad

Dying to belong: Zach Morris and the Next Karate kid are journalist investigating the hazing death of 6 from Blossom. yup.

Road Rage: Yasmine "Low Rent Carmen Electra" Bleeth cuts a water delivery man off in traffic who recently lost his family in a road rage related accident. He begins to stalk her and steals her panties.

My Stepson, My lover: Not even gonna touch it.

The Ultimate Betrayal: A man addicted to hookers get arrested and he tells his wife he just stopped to ask for directions. She responds with "Where? To your pants!?"

15 and Pregnant: I had high hopes for this movie. I mean, Kiki Dunst in all her snaggle tooth glory.. 15! It was just stupid and the guy who spermed her up is all white trash and leaves her for a gummy redhead. She wears overalls throughout the movie. That's the most interesting thing about it.

If you're interested in naming your own Lifetime Movie, check this out:

This was mine: It's My Addiction, Damn It: The Untold Story of HillBilly Harlot

Sunday, December 16, 2007

BUST Craftacular 2007!!

Its already been a week since Bust’s 3rd Annual 2007 Craftacular in Manhattan, but my mind is still buzzing with sights and wonders so craftacular that any handmaking honey will surely drool over this blog….

I arrived at 2pm on Saturday at the Metropolitan Pavilion in NYC. The line was insane – out the door and down the block. Like waiting in line for a roller coaster, my stomach was flipping and flopping with anticipation. I would only imagine the wonderful sights and sounds that awaited me inside. I could hear music and people buzzing. And of course I brought my copy of Hospitality Under the Influence for a special signing by the one and only Amy Sedaris (of Strangers With Candy fame). The line inches and I continue to dream of specially crafted trinkets….

Finally, I pay my dollar, grab my free copy of Bust Mag and magnificently burst my way through the doors – crafts as far as the eye can see! A huge ballroom packed with over 200 hundred vendors selling handblocked tee’s, knit goodies, metal-made jewelry, painted perfections, glued anomalies, and fabulous frocks! Music pumps through the sound system and my head begins to spin – where to begin? Glittering unicorns brooches to my left and alien inspired stuffed animals to my right – I break left and leave my boyfriend in a cloud of after burner as I head down the aisles, taking everything in through osmosis. I can’t believe its taken me this long to discover heaven….

Of particular note to me were the following vendors: – home of the famous Vinny’s Tampon Cases. Site includes period charts and tampon cases to track/prepare you for your flow. – small, enameled pendants in obscure shapes, like seagulls and handcuffs. – fruit that doesn’t get mad…it gets even. T-shirts, buttons, totes, and pins featuring cute food characters. – supremely crafted canvas bags in all shapes in sizes. – quirky handblocked t-shirts, dolls, i-pod cases, bags, and wallets – dainty and delicate earrings and necklaces. – handmade undies – specialty baby stuff that is damn cute

I waited in line to have my book autographed by Amy Sedaris and she wrote the following in my book:

Here’s me with Amy:

Overall, I ended up buying a few things. It was like a craft fair and party under one roof. I had a fantastic time and being a crafty girl myself, I was supremely inspired by so much creativity under one roof….the only thing missing was my own table- which means I already can’t wait til next year.


Crafty Fluff

I like to tell it like it is...

Since I like telling people exactly what's on my mind, I find the concept behind pure genius. Sometimes I have a compelling urge to let others know just how fucked up I really am or just how fucked up I think someone else is. My friend Francis introduced me to this great site and I instantly fell in love.

Did I ever really tell you how much I like you?

Got this right before this year’s company Christmas Party (thanks boo).

I’ve got my heart set on that iPod you bought me even though I hate your guts.

I am attending your party ONLY b/c I have to….

Since he doesn’t have an email, this one’s worth printing for my 7 year old cousin.

Lady and Fluff – nuff said.
I’m curious to know why Hallmark hasn’t picked up on this….


I suck at killing things....

We’ve had an unwanted guest for about 3 weeks now in our kitchen – we named him Fievel (like the little guy in American Tale). He’s been chilling in our kitchen and scavenging for crumbs night after night – he was real small and I thought it was kind of cute until the bastard started pooping all over the countertops and stove during his nightly crumb hunts. All I could think about were the germs and disease that vermin feces are supposed to carry. I was pissed. Who did this mouse think he was messing with? “He’s nibbled his last crumb!” I said as I strategically placed glue traps all around the kitchen and neatly placed little pieces of pizza (apparently his favorite food) in the middle of each trap.

Two hours later, we arrive home from a shopping trip and I go to the kitchen to get something to drink. I open the fridge and hear this squeaking noise coming from near the trash can. My heart drops. I look down at one of the traps, and there’s Fievel with all four paws firmly cemented in the glue. He’s struggling and squeaking and I realize that he’s only the size of my thumb….tears immediately begin to well in my eyes as I realize that I have intentionally caused the pain and suffering of this little creature. I run to my boyfriend and start motioning frantically for him to come in the kitchen and see and help me, because now I’ve decided I must find a way to get him out. I look on the internet and find an article that says that if you pour olive oil on the glue, it will dissolve and the mouse can get free (this is right after it says that these traps are considered the cruelest of all because mice have been known to gnaw off their paws to get free, resulting in a horribly slow and agonizing death). I scoop Fievel up on a cardboard platform and head downstairs with the olive oil and pour it in the trap, taking special care not to cover him in the oil. He’s struggling viciously at this point and I wonder if he will break one his legs off while trying to free himself. Tears are streaming down my face – the neighbors walk outside and I block their view and look away, trying to act like there is a perfectly good reason for me to be squatting on the sidewalk in the snow….but I look down and realize that Fievel’s front two paws have come free and my hope is renewed. I help him free his tail and soon, he’s got all but one leg free from the trap. I am slowly re-gaining confidence about is future….Finally, his last leg comes free and I think he is too shocked to realize that he’s no longer stuck, as he sits there heaving huge breaths and gaining composure. Then he scurries off into the night, and I am left with mixed emotions as I think about how he may still not make it in the cold, cold weather….I am the worst person ever…..

Come to find out, there are more humane and natural ways to rid your house of these cute, but annoying critters. Get a cat. But some humane traps at Lowes’ (these traps allow you to catch and release the critter in the wild elsewhere)….or the most interesting remedy involved getting a skin from a snake who has shed it and placing it in the mouse’ favorite spot. This will give the little bugger the scare of his life.

I will never kill again…


Crafts We LOVE!!

A lovely little site called Crochet my Crotch ( offers hand crafted vulvas and vulva inspired accessories! What a novel idea – and I am surprised at how realistic they look….doesn't the hair look downright glittery? We want glitters in OUR hair! Hmph....

This one’s for the ladies….

And for those who can’t bear the thought of another night cradling your twig and berries to keep them from freezing off, a knit Willie Warmer (aka Man Mitt) should do the trick!

This one’s for the fellas….

Christmas love,
Lady and Fluff

Cuckoo for Koko

Baby Dad went to Hawaii a couple years ago and picked up this CD called "Koko meets Ooklah the Moc". Koko is a reggae artist from Maui and is now my current second favorite reggae man (Sizzla, you will never lose your top spot). So I googled Koko and there is NO info on him, just where to download the CD. He doesn't even have a Wikipedia or anything. We listen to this album seriously every night and it makes me happy. Check out one of my fav songs from this mysterious dude:

Can you tell Imeem is also one of my new obsessions?