Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Elvis of Haircuts

The following is based on a conversation I had the other day with a good friend of mine (aka The Mgmt.), after which, he submitted this scientifically proven theorem:

“Faux-hawk theorem:

Given the following conditions, (1) the faux-hawk is a celebrity-sanctioned act of faux-rebellion, and (2) being the diameter of a circle, the faux-hawk is geometrically relatable to the African-American flat-top, the faux-hawk can thus be considered the Elvis Presley of haircuts.

The Wu-Tang Clan taught us that the black man is God.

As Elvis Presley is offensive to the black man, we therefore believe it to be empirically proven that the faux-hawk offends God.”

That is some deep shit on hair!

He gets even deeper when it comes to beer - check his blog at


The Fluff

Friday, February 15, 2008

Dear Mild Davis: Same Old, Same Old

Dear Mild Davis,

So, what do you do when you find yourself in a sexual rut in a long-term relationship. It's not that the sex isn't good, its just that its the same person every day. I love peanut butter and jelly but not always and forever. What should I do?

Ms. SameDickDifferentDay
Dear Ms. SameDickDifferentDay

That’s probably one of man’s oldest and most pondered questions. It’s right up there with ‘what is the meaning of life?’ and ‘why does it burn when I pee?’ as the things that have stumped even the greatest minds across the ages. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but here are my two keys to putting you back on track for some toe-curling, hair-pulling, carpet-burning sex in no time.

First, you have to embrace the familiarity of your partner. For whatever reason, you’ve decided to stick it out and spend some quality time with them, right? Unless you’re hella shallow and just in it for the skrill, you must genuinely like this person. Plus, despite the ‘new-car-smell’ of some strange ass, that always comes with a lot of awkward naked moments as you try to figure out what the other person likes and what they don’t like. For instance, some people are into good old doggystyle and some people just want you to pee on their face or step on their scrotum in a stiletto. But, since you’ve put in the QT with this person, all those quirks should be a thing of the past. They should be able know, without you uttering a guttural moan, that you’re about to make it to the top of Orgasm Mountain and to keep that choo choo train chugging right on into the station. The beauty of the long term sexytime buddy is that you can stop worrying about BEING a good fuck, and can start enjoying GETTING a good one instead.

Second, you have to get over our generation’s obsession with O.P.P. For foxy ladies, it’s easy to always keep one eye out for the next best thing. And by thing, I mean penis. But, like I already mentioned, you’ve already decided that you’re good with this guy for at least the time being. And, as far as you know, he’s in the same boat. So set sail for the Isle of Freaky Deaky. A steady relationship is your chance to let your freak flag fly in all its horny glory. If you like to get spanked and be called a ‘dirty little pony,’ tell him. If you want him to wear your panties while you dribble Cheese Wiz on his junk, tell him. And, hopefully he’ll tell you what he’s into. (Note: dude fantasies are usually way easier to act out, but are usually WAY grosser and stickier). Nothing, well…almost nothing, should be off limits. Use the comfort of someone you trust and seem to like to make sure you get yours as often as possible. Forget that random dude who bought you a whiskey shot at the bar last night. Yes, he said you were hot and he has nice cheek bones, but can he make you come like a schoolgirl three times in one night? And can he do it without you having to shave your legs and wear sexy skivvies? I didn’t think so. Plus, you’re waaaay less likely to get the crabs from some steady ass. That’s always a good thing.

So fuck the naughty costumes, sex toys, porn, sexy role-playing dice, furry handcuffs, flavored lube, edible underwear and all that other crap they want you to buy to ‘spice-up’ your love life. If you’re not into your partner on a purely carnal level, it won’t matter if his dick tastes like raspberries or not. Keeping things exciting with your steady boo isn’t easy, but you can do it. Remember that you started fucking this dude for a reason, and there is a reason you’re still there with him. And, if you can’t keep it up (pun intended) then maybe that’s a sign of something else. But I’m single, so what the fuck do I know?


Thursday, February 14, 2008

What Not to Buy For Valentine's Day

Hey fellas, listen up. It’s almost the end of the day and you still haven’t gone out to get your number one lady a gift for Valentines Day, have you? It’s ok, we’re guys by nature and waiting until the last minute is what we do. But, remember, this is the girl who has kept you in clean undies, hot meals, and consenting sex for the last 364 days and it’s your turn to say thanks. So don’t fuck this one up. To help you avoid the most common pitfalls, here are five things you should NEVER come home with on the most romantic day of the year.

1. A ROMANTIC COMEDY – Ok, she may actually like this gift, especially if she has some sweet memories associated with it. BUT, here’s the catch. Giving her the movie is also guaranteeing her that you plan to sit through the whole crapfest while holding hands and giving Eskimo kisses. Unless you want to hear her say things like “How come you never do sweet things like that guy in the movie?” or “He doesn’t ask to come on her face every time,” you should avoid the DVD aisle like the plague.

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2. DIET CHOCOLATE – Do I really need to explain this one? I don’t care if your girl looks like this don’t even fucking think about bringing home anything that implies you don’t love ever square inch (or square foot) of her body. Valentines Day is her excuse to polish off a whole box of Godiva, guilt free, and then get some of your sweet nookie to seal the deal. Since your dick won’t suck itself, you better listen to this one.

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3. ANYTHING FROM A TRUCKSTOP – I’ll be honest here, you’re better off showing up empty handed than with a ‘made-in-Taiwan’ stuffed bear or comically oversized card from a gas station or truck stop. Those fuckers know men too well, and they position that crap right by the register to give us fellas an easy out when we totally forget about important holidays. Unless you are in middle school, or moderate to severely mentally handicapped, this shit is not cute. Go home and get yelled at like a man. She may leave you for good, but at least you didn’t drop $14.99 on something that smells like child labor and flammable materials.

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4. CHEAP LINGERIE – Guys, we all like to see our lady looking nice and showing off her lovely lady lumps. But, remember that just because it looks nice, doesn’t mean it feels nice. Your guy parts are infinitely more rugged than your lady’s and she doesn’t want some lace that feels like sandpaper wearing down the vah-jay-jay before some marathon love session. And, just because you think it looks suh-weet when her boobs are smashed up under her chin, that is no excuse to get the B-cup size you’re your girl rocks some DD’s. Unless you’re willing to pony up the dough to get some quality naughty-time costumes, just be glad you have a girl willing to get naked while you’re in the room.

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5. ANOTHER CHICK – Listen up fellas! Valentines Day is not about us. It’s about them. You have 364 other days of the year to try to play on your girl’s latent lezzie tendencies and drinking problem, but, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not show up at the house tonight with another woman. This is NOT what she meant when she said she wanted to do something “special” for you tonight. That most likely means something mildly kinky at best, maybe some butt play. But she has no intention on going scuba on some muff on her special day. Trust me on this one.

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Happy Vagina Day!

by Unadater

Ok I don’t need to talk to the men today. As men we all feel the same way about V Day, we all want to go out of our way to show our significant other how much we love her and crave her poonanny on a regular basis. We all want this day to be kinkier than normal and we
would like to achieve this without spending a small fortunate if we spend any money at all. However, we also know this is impossible due to the high expectations women set for the day that are impossible to accomplish.

So allow me to talk to the women for a moment. Listen you get so many holidays a year where you are to be treated like a princess and your BF or husband is a distant cousin on these days. Hell there is even this big day called a wedding day where some lucky women get roses
thrown at their feet and become like Eddie Murphy's bride to be in Coming To America. We get it, you all want to be princesses and yes in this day of male sensitivity we all want you feel as if you are royalty, sometimes even more than you ever imagined. Which of course will scare you, but I digress.

Here is my solution, give Valentine's Day to the men. On this day of chocolates, blue balls, and light wallets allow the men to be thanked for all the moodiness days he has to put up with, the headaches you have gotten over the last year, the 12 times you got PMS. Let Valentine's Day be "Male is a King Day." Give him everything he has ever wanted, and become his personal slave for a day.

Think about this! You are women! You know your vagina is the most powerful weapon in the whole world. Why not use it on a day where men are so highly pressured to be the perfect mate and give him a taste of reverse psychology. Pick up the tab, open his doors, buy him flowers, feed him chocolates, massage him with your body, have a whole day where he can blow his load in the first 30 seconds of sex as many times as he wants.

It's quite brilliant actually; because honestly when a man feels like a king, especially on a day where he is extra sensitive and privy to being the most chivalrous, he always rewards his woman double sometimes triple then what she just delivered. Ahh the Power of the Poonanny!

It's like the male orgasm vs. the female orgasm. All men need is some titties bouncing on his face or good stroke of his thigh and he is ready to go like a stallion at the Kentucky Derby. However, women need to be warmed up, teased, tortured even into thinking they are never going to feel your ungodly manhood thrusted upon their Va-Jay-Jay.

So come on girls you are not 12 anymore, you don't have to sit around school all day waiting for a candy gram from that boy you love 4 eva and eva. You are a woman and you want to be a princess everyday not just Valentine's Day. So sacrifice your body and surprise your man at
work and allow him to fuck you in the pooper for once in his stationary closet while on lunch hour.

Trust me you will have the best wedding day ever if you can use V Day to your advantage. So from now on we as adults of the United States will never celebrate Valentine's Day again. From this day forward I propose that February 14th shall now be called Vagina Day! A day where men can have Vagina all day without having to wine and dine his significant other and rev up her poonanny!

You know its worth it ladies!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

It Turns Out Hip Hop is For Lovers

If you didn't read below, Ohword posted their hip hop love favorites and the list is really ecclectic. Looks like I got "Renee" on there for us. So, go to the site, check out the songs and you can download all 31 at the end of the post. They also made a CD Cover (pictured above) to complete your burn for your "shortie".

Now, I gotta tell you, I felt real inspired by this hip hop love stuff and Valentine's being tomorrow and all, I wrote a little love verse for my main man, Baby Dad:

I got a good man
Redhead with a dark tan
Freckles makin' their way down to the promise land
I'll lay it down just to make a clan of them
Spreadin' seeds all around like a geranium
Get in his pants 'til I get into his cranium
Little spawns runnin' 'round like its rainin' them
Hippie hip hop kids like we're trainin' them
Don't care what people say, it don't pertain to them

Ok, now its your turn. Write your boo a verse or if you have too much love for just one person, write a verse about that. If sexin's all you want for Valentine's Day, write about the ho you will pick up at the bar. Just make it with "love" and put it in the comments section...
And when you get a chance, check out one of the articles I wrote for Ohword about foreplay!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Wanna Know Who We're Voting For?

We'll tell you straight up. We're voting for the candidate who will put a ban on hip hop songs with police sirens. The trend of inserting the occasional "innocent" siren has gone on too long. Are producers trying to give a bitch a heart attack?! I don't know how many bags of weed have been tossed out and how many hookers' heads have whip-lashed back at the sound of a cleverly hidden siren on the fucking radio while you're riding around in the whip! How many accidents have been caused by listeners slamming on their brakes to avoid a ticket that doesn't exist? Lives could be saved here people. The time is now and I mean "now" as in they should ban Akon's version of Michael Jackson's "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" and not only because he butchers it but it has the sneakiest siren in music history. Damn you T-Pain...I mean Akon!

And who the hell likes that song other than the Soulja Boy fans who have never heard the original? He should just call it "Wanna Be" and leave it at that

The Trouble With Mimes

The Trouble With Mimes

The trouble with mimes is they
think they are somehow different
from the urban onlookers
going through the motions,
climbing an invisible ladder and
pulling on an infinite rope of air,
That their act is somehow novel.

I’d like to be a pigeon and see how
it all looks from the concrete, people
gathered on their lunch breaks,
checking their watches, amazed
at such exaggerated movements of
daily life, backed with intended
Silence but slathered with idle
Conversation and traffic whirring.

The trouble with mimes goes way
back and deep. Centuries of white
painted faces and gloved hands
simulate our absurdity and
capitalize on life’s monotony.
What would they say if they
could break character and
let the crowd have the truth?

“Holy shit, this ladder leads
to nowhere people. Make your
own damn invisible sandwiches
and get me out of this hot black
suit!” People gasping and shoving
change back into pockets, would
turn towards their destination, one
rung at a time.

-Lady Chavez

Monday, February 11, 2008

Oh, You Thought We Were Gonna Talk About The Grammys?!

We don’t have TV so we missed it and we know all your other favorite blogs will be chiming in so I created my own category that I think you will feel me on. We’re pretty sure it was not on The Grammys list:

Best Street Performer Because No Other Homeless People Do Shit But Stick Out Their Hand and Look Creepy:

And the award goes to…..(bucket drum roll please)…..

The old guy on the corner of 35th St and Granby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For real, he plays a really raggedy rendition of “My Favorite Things” on his saxophone (you know, “When the dog bites, when the bee stings”). Anyway, this is the only song he plays but damn if he ain’t THE ONLY homeless guy/crackhead who works for the money. I would give him a spare bedroom if I had one. That’s how impressed I was. See, in Norfolk, VA, the homeless folks are spoiled and they think if they stand outside 7-eleven and look dirty, they should get something. So, from now on, I’m gonna start handing out kazoos instead of cigarettes and give them a little lesson on work ethic. Who’s with me?!