Hey fellas, listen up. It’s almost the end of the day and you still haven’t gone out to get your number one lady a gift for Valentines Day, have you? It’s ok, we’re guys by nature and waiting until the last minute is what we do. But, remember, this is the girl who has kept you in clean undies, hot meals, and consenting sex for the last 364 days and it’s your turn to say thanks. So don’t fuck this one up. To help you avoid the most common pitfalls, here are five things you should NEVER come home with on the most romantic day of the year.
1. A ROMANTIC COMEDY – Ok, she may actually like this gift, especially if she has some sweet memories associated with it. BUT, here’s the catch. Giving her the movie is also guaranteeing her that you plan to sit through the whole crapfest while holding hands and giving Eskimo kisses. Unless you want to hear her say things like “How come you never do sweet things like that guy in the movie?” or “He doesn’t ask to come on her face every time,” you should avoid the DVD aisle like the plague.
2. DIET CHOCOLATE – Do I really need to explain this one? I don’t care if your girl looks like this don’t even fucking think about bringing home anything that implies you don’t love ever square inch (or square foot) of her body. Valentines Day is her excuse to polish off a whole box of Godiva, guilt free, and then get some of your sweet nookie to seal the deal. Since your dick won’t suck itself, you better listen to this one.
3. ANYTHING FROM A TRUCKSTOP – I’ll be honest here, you’re better off showing up empty handed than with a ‘made-in-Taiwan’ stuffed bear or comically oversized card from a gas station or truck stop. Those fuckers know men too well, and they position that crap right by the register to give us fellas an easy out when we totally forget about important holidays. Unless you are in middle school, or moderate to severely mentally handicapped, this shit is not cute. Go home and get yelled at like a man. She may leave you for good, but at least you didn’t drop $14.99 on something that smells like child labor and flammable materials.
4. CHEAP LINGERIE – Guys, we all like to see our lady looking nice and showing off her lovely lady lumps. But, remember that just because it looks nice, doesn’t mean it feels nice. Your guy parts are infinitely more rugged than your lady’s and she doesn’t want some lace that feels like sandpaper wearing down the vah-jay-jay before some marathon love session. And, just because you think it looks suh-weet when her boobs are smashed up under her chin, that is no excuse to get the B-cup size you’re your girl rocks some DD’s. Unless you’re willing to pony up the dough to get some quality naughty-time costumes, just be glad you have a girl willing to get naked while you’re in the room.
5. ANOTHER CHICK – Listen up fellas! Valentines Day is not about us. It’s about them. You have 364 other days of the year to try to play on your girl’s latent lezzie tendencies and drinking problem, but, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not show up at the house tonight with another woman. This is NOT what she meant when she said she wanted to do something “special” for you tonight. That most likely means something mildly kinky at best, maybe some butt play. But she has no intention on going scuba on some muff on her special day. Trust me on this one.