Friday, February 15, 2008

Dear Mild Davis: Same Old, Same Old

Dear Mild Davis,

So, what do you do when you find yourself in a sexual rut in a long-term relationship. It's not that the sex isn't good, its just that its the same person every day. I love peanut butter and jelly but not always and forever. What should I do?

Ms. SameDickDifferentDay
Dear Ms. SameDickDifferentDay

That’s probably one of man’s oldest and most pondered questions. It’s right up there with ‘what is the meaning of life?’ and ‘why does it burn when I pee?’ as the things that have stumped even the greatest minds across the ages. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but here are my two keys to putting you back on track for some toe-curling, hair-pulling, carpet-burning sex in no time.

First, you have to embrace the familiarity of your partner. For whatever reason, you’ve decided to stick it out and spend some quality time with them, right? Unless you’re hella shallow and just in it for the skrill, you must genuinely like this person. Plus, despite the ‘new-car-smell’ of some strange ass, that always comes with a lot of awkward naked moments as you try to figure out what the other person likes and what they don’t like. For instance, some people are into good old doggystyle and some people just want you to pee on their face or step on their scrotum in a stiletto. But, since you’ve put in the QT with this person, all those quirks should be a thing of the past. They should be able know, without you uttering a guttural moan, that you’re about to make it to the top of Orgasm Mountain and to keep that choo choo train chugging right on into the station. The beauty of the long term sexytime buddy is that you can stop worrying about BEING a good fuck, and can start enjoying GETTING a good one instead.

Second, you have to get over our generation’s obsession with O.P.P. For foxy ladies, it’s easy to always keep one eye out for the next best thing. And by thing, I mean penis. But, like I already mentioned, you’ve already decided that you’re good with this guy for at least the time being. And, as far as you know, he’s in the same boat. So set sail for the Isle of Freaky Deaky. A steady relationship is your chance to let your freak flag fly in all its horny glory. If you like to get spanked and be called a ‘dirty little pony,’ tell him. If you want him to wear your panties while you dribble Cheese Wiz on his junk, tell him. And, hopefully he’ll tell you what he’s into. (Note: dude fantasies are usually way easier to act out, but are usually WAY grosser and stickier). Nothing, well…almost nothing, should be off limits. Use the comfort of someone you trust and seem to like to make sure you get yours as often as possible. Forget that random dude who bought you a whiskey shot at the bar last night. Yes, he said you were hot and he has nice cheek bones, but can he make you come like a schoolgirl three times in one night? And can he do it without you having to shave your legs and wear sexy skivvies? I didn’t think so. Plus, you’re waaaay less likely to get the crabs from some steady ass. That’s always a good thing.

So fuck the naughty costumes, sex toys, porn, sexy role-playing dice, furry handcuffs, flavored lube, edible underwear and all that other crap they want you to buy to ‘spice-up’ your love life. If you’re not into your partner on a purely carnal level, it won’t matter if his dick tastes like raspberries or not. Keeping things exciting with your steady boo isn’t easy, but you can do it. Remember that you started fucking this dude for a reason, and there is a reason you’re still there with him. And, if you can’t keep it up (pun intended) then maybe that’s a sign of something else. But I’m single, so what the fuck do I know?


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