Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Kissing Game Challenge

Remember Hi Five? I love this old school jam and it makes you wonder what is the kissing game exactly and why is Chris Brown just a fake ass Hi Five? Your challenge when you hit the bars this weekend is to just get to first base and play the kissing game. Trust me, he or she will call you the next day (just make sure your breath ain't nassy)

I'm gonna get an early start and make out with someone right now to some Hi Five. I might even bust out the side ponytail for dramatic middle school effects.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Adventures in Vegetarianism

When the circus came to town, I was protesting on opening night as usual. I'm standing right by the curb with my sign and most people stopped at the red light are trying to avoid eye contact and getting fidgety while others either give the thumbs up or laugh at us. This is all fine with me but its the 1% that have to run their mouths that lead me to believe some people are so ignorant, this animal rights thing doesn't stand a chance. Let me paint you a picture....

This teal '96 Ford Taurus stops in front of us. The driver (with full-on mullet mind you) leans his head down and yells, "Y'all need to be worried about bringin' our troops home!" His fat, Ogilvie Home Permed 3rd wife is giggling uncontrollably in the passenger seat and the innocent, embarrassed 8 year old is in the back looking like this is the norm. Dude, are you serious? I'm sure they went back to the trailer, opened up some Budweiser and bragged to their neighbors over some unfiltered Pall Malls. The toothless teenager in the next lot would say, "Randy, you're one fuckin' crazy dude, man! Only your ass would do something like that." They would all laugh and then cough something up and would all be glad they had known crazy Randy.

It melts my heart to know that this fake ass Dogg the Bounty Hunter must surely be sending care packages to the troops and lobbying for their safe return daily. What a guy! He's crazy and philanthropic! Fuck the animals, I just want to hop in that Chevy and do some real good for once.

Sarcasm aside, there are plenty of organizations for shit like that...not to mention groups about SIDS, cancer, AIDS, Restless Leg name it. So, don't fucking ride by a protest and yell some gay ass shit out like that because someone has to stand up for animals. This especially applies to waste of space rednecks intent on turning their 8 year old daughters into 2nd rate lot lizards.

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I feel better now.


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Monday, April 14, 2008

I Can Do Tupperware

I've been contemplating leaving this life of sin and crime and moving to the suburbs. Don't even try to argue with me. I'm all used up and there's nowhere else to go but J Crew and dress myself up like shit never happened. Just like Audrey, I'm going somewhere that's green and I'll invite you to my tupperware parties if you don't talk shit.

This is so gonna be dinners here I come! Classic...