Friday, February 1, 2008

Self-Hate To the Fullest

I try not to post too much on mainstream current events/Hollywood but What...The....Fuck? Why did Lil' Kim play herself like this? She looks like Margaret Cho in the early/fat years. If she wanted to be Asian, she could have just put on a fake accent like Brit Brit and Madonna do when they're posing British. I'm going to pretend this is a Chashmere Mafia themed party and everyone is supposed to be dressed like Lucy Liu so I can sleep tonite.

Adventures in Vegetarianism: Letter Writing

We love our readers because we're pretty sure you care about something. Even if you write me off as a tree hugging hippy and don't care about animal rights, there must be something else that really pisses you off. So, today (or this weekend if you're busy with work aka internet porn) we're going to be activists about something and write a letter to the editor. Below I give some good tips on how to make a bangingly effective letter for action and at the bottom you will see the letter I wrote to Editor in Chief of Missbehave Magazine this morning about a recent article.

Tips on Good Letter Writing

1) Highlight the negative and the positive (don't come off as a hater)
2) Keep it succinct and to the point
3) Don't forget to include your contact info
4) Act like you're an expert on the subject area (but don't get all egotastical)
5) Throw in some "little known" or useful facts
6) Make sure you state your connection with the magazine, newspaper, tv station, etc...more than likely you are a consumer (even if you aren't, just lie)

Dear Mary Choi,

First we want to say, as Missbehave subscribers, we love, love, love the magazine. You guys are basically like us except you have way cooler jobs, get way more free stuff and have larger vocabularies. Still, we were shocked and disheartened to see in the last issue that "being vegan" is a way to ensure a dude will not get ass. Furthermore, there wasn't any explanation as to why vegans made the list. We feel like any dude who stands for anything other that his Xbox 360 and his cock, would be sexy. The dairy industry is inhumane and foul so knocking activists for animals seems irresponsible. We know that vegetarians and vegans catch shit all the time, we just thought Missbehave was a little more "damn the man" and punk than that. We also know that your magazine is not a super serious publication but we just think that you should give vegan guys a chance. They are compassionate in the sack too, trust us.

We've included some little known facts about the dairy industry to read at your leisure:

-Dairy cows are artificially inseminated to be pregnant year-round and once they give birth, their babies are ripped away for veal

-Mother cows are then hooked up to machines and milked in their tiny stall where they barely have room to even sit down

-Despite all the hormones pumped into the cows to produce 10 times the amount of milk they normally would, they are sent off to slaughterhouses once they are not fit the produce milk


Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Why I'm Going To Hell...Chapter II

Yes, it's that time again. I was in a real funk earlier today and not feeling amped about anything at all. At first I thought I might be pregnant 'cause thats a real downer but then I threw myself down the stairs just in case. That didn't cheer me up so I went shopping for shit I didn't need...nope, didn't cheer me up. At this point I was about to piss my pants, so I dropped into the local Burger King and holy shit do I feel better about my life!

I was immediately comforted by the fact that I am not old as hell having nothing better to do than sit in BK with my wrinkly-balled, bald hubby and having absolutely nothing to say to him. What was also refreshing is that I didn't work there (duh) but also that I wasn't one of those super ashy guys who sit by the drink machine and wait for a "pretty lady" to walk up (aka any heifer without an adam's apple) so he can greet her all molester-like. The sight of those middle-aged whities in line with their taper-legged jeans and bomber jackets (not being ironic in the least) made me tingle with arrogance and I giggled in delight before I got the hell out of there.

I walked out of Burger King feeling like the luckiest bitch in the world and I have those unfortunate looking/smelling losers to thank for it. Today's going to be a good day.


Lady Chavez

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Reader of the Month: Bitchin' Besties

This is the first installment of "Reader of the Month" and we came straight out the gate with 2 readers because they were super hot best friends like us and we're wacky and spontaneous like that.
First up:
Name: Jenny Houser
Nickname: Jenny Rambler
Rep Your Hood: Well, I live in Northridge California, which totally blows, but I'm from Virginia Beach, Va which seriously kicks the shit out of California.
What makes you so damn special? I'm going to say my shoulder length mullet and my superior dance moves
What word or phrase do you use the most? Something along the lines of "who cares" or any phrase with the word fuck in it probably
How do you get down? How do I like to party? I can honestly say I have never been asked that, but Im gonna says balls to the wall. If you're gonna do the damn thing, just do it. I try not to get sloppy drunk, because you gotta keep the class factor up, but it doesnt hurt to get a little bit out of control now and then
What is the one piece of advice you can offer the rest of us so we can be as cool as you one day? I give cruddy advice I think, but Im probably just going to say "real girls do real things" dont just sit around and complain all the time and depend on other people to make you happy. If you want something, then fucking go for it and get it for yourself.
What do you feel is the best song to make out to behind the port-o-potty at your local carnival? Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart
Why do you love us so much? No promo. Its the jimmy jam! I mean how stoked am I on two other rad girls doing the damn thing? super stoked.
Next up:

Name: Melissa Summer Duncan Mccarley
Nickname: Just summer, or McCarley...but those are real names so I guess it doesn't count
Rep Your Hood: VB...Parks Ave!
What makes you so damn special? I play in makeup for a living...I can macgyver an outfit together from mere scraps that people will ooze with jealousy over...and Im pretty sure Im going to make my life's fortune off of a travel guide I'm going to write in the next year after I drunkenly backpack through south america* (*situation pending)
What word or phrase do you use the most?" thhiiisss bbiitttcchhh"
How do you get down? Sapphire and tonics, raspberries and champagne, dark spicy red wine, midget strippers, and dance offs in my undies with rambler circa 2004 in my moms living room
What is the one piece of advice you can offer the rest of us so we can be as cool as you one day? pshaw! Is it possible? um, just be real, smile and have fun...ladies stop being shitty bitches and dudes, stop being too cool.
What do you feel is the best song to make out to behind the port-o-potty at your local carnival? hands down...Free Bird, its a carny classic. Or montel jordan "this is how we do it"...carnys love old played out top 40 hip-hop. I always confuse montel jordan with montel willams...I wonder if he gets that alot...All I know is he wears some fly ass rocks in his ears. have you ever seen those things??!!
Why do you love us so much? No promo. It's nice to see some ladies writing about the music I'm into, and you're sassy as hell!


No not that shitty band. I watched Neverending Story last night because Mini Chavez was all into Clash of the Titans last week so I figured she was ready for it. All these memories of me young as hell came back to me and the shit was heavy. How heavy is that movie? Let's see...


The Horse Drowning in the Mud
I remembered crying hysterically when this happened and yelling, "Don't give into the sadness Artax!" but it didn't matter. I'm one of those people who will watch an old school war scene and I don't care if people's heads are getting severed, just don't let the horse fall down and sprain an ankle even. 'Cause then the tears just start flowin'. Even though Artax is running around at the end with Atreyu, that shit is too heavy for real and way more in yo' face than Bambi's mom.
When Atreyu reaches the Empress at the end and shit is falling down everywhere and about to blow if the boy doesn't realize his power or something, the Empress is crying and Atreyu is yelling because he doesn't understand. The boy has to run up to the window and say his poor, dead mother's name. Crazy and heavy.


I tried to find the quote when the wolf-vampire, Gmork, is about to kill Atryeu and couldn't so I'm gonna summarize it. He basically says that he was sent to help out The Nothing destroy the hopes and dreams of Fantasia because when people don't have hope, it is easier to rule them and The Nothing and Gmork will then be all-powerful and in control. Why don't they have screen moments like that now in kids' movies? Whoa, how dead on was that wolf-vampire? Very heavy.

And...I want them to do a full-on remake of this movie (not the shitty straight-to-dvd they've been making). I am normally not a fan of remakes but I just need theme parks to have a reason to make a Falcor ride so I can ride on Falcor before I die.

This all sounds nerdy as fuck, sorry. I think I'll sign this one Fluffgirl ;)