Random Thoughts From A Hipster Town in A Big Red State

by Mild Davis

I like to go to the bar a few nights a week for a cold drink and some sort of social interaction with the masses. After all, I’m 28 and single with no kids. It’s kinda like my duty to keep the dream alive for my friends who have ‘settled down.’ I see the same cast of knucklehead hipsters most nights on the town, and there are some things I want to say, but never do. Here’s a few from the other night…

1. Dude, why are your pants so damn tight? Are you wearing your girlfriends pants? Are they your boyfriend’s pants? They’re so f’ing tight I can see the pulse on the head of your dick. Just think about it this way, if your 18 year old self saw you wearing girl pants, wouldn’t he kick your ass? I thought so.

2. Girl, yes, you are hot. I like your clothes and I like the fact that you know all the words to Spank Rock and The Replacements. BUT, you already dorked half of my friends in the not-too-distant past. They don’t make condoms out of Kevlar you know? I’m sure you look amazing naked, but I could just ask my buddy and save myself an itch. Sorry…

3. Dude, if you put one more fucking quarter in the juke box at the bar and play another random Joy Division b-side or garage rock turd, I’m going to crack your damn jaw. I’m drinking, not taking ‘Your Shitty Music Taste 101.’ The point of a juke box is to have one centralized music source that everyone can enjoy. So, if you’re not going to play Hall & Oats, sit the fuck down.

4. Girl, put down the fucking camera phone before I take it from you and drop it in the urinal. Who wants to see pics of you and your friends drinking mojitos in the same crappy bar on a Wednesday night? You. That’s it. Maybe your friend can leave a comment on myspace about “we was soooo crunk,” but other than that, you suck. If you and your friends feel like making out with each other and some harmless nudity is involved, THEN it’s time to break out the camera. Till then, fuck off.

5. Dude, I’m not gonna buy you a god damn beer. Quit asking. You’ve been to the bathroom 13 times since we got here to powder your nose, and you’re wearing a Prada jacket. Who’s fault is it that you don’t have a buck fifty for a drink? Your parents will cut you off one day, fucker. Cocaine ain’t free y’know? Unless you’re a hot girl, of course.

6. Bartender, did I just become invisible or have you been rendered stupid(er) by the girl with hard nipples on the other end of the bar. Don’t get me wrong, I like nipples too, but every second I stand here I get more sober. We both lose in that situation, hombre. Quit drooling over titties and get me a damn PBR before I come over this bar and get my own. I know where you keep them, after all.

7. Girl, I think it’s sexy as hell that you smoke cigarettes. Fuck your friend with the ‘sinus problem’ who bitches every time you light up. I smoke. You smoke. See? We already have something in common. No need to stop there, eh? Bring your fine ‘I-smell-like-an-ashtray’ ass over here and let’s get this thing going. Just you, me and a few butts.

8. Dude, I already told you. I’m not buying you a beer!!! Go wipe your nose off. You look like Tony Montana on a bad day. Nice jacket btw.

9. Girl, I thought we agreed that when we broke up that this would be ‘my’ bar. I gave you the shittastic whine, I mean wine, bar down the street. So why the fuck do I keep seeing you up in this motherfucker with your new boyfriend and his tight ass pants? At least I know my dick’s bigger than his(see #1). How about you get the fuck out of here while I try to capture the magic with my new smoking buddy? We’ve got an ashtray to fill before the love can begin.

10. Clock, you are so full of shit. There is no damn way it’s 2am. First of all, I have to be at work at 9am, so you have to be wrong. That’s in seven hours. I wouldn’t do that to myself again, would I? Apparently I would. Oh well. Good night my hickster (part hick and part hipster…clever, eh?) friends. I’ll see you all again tomorrow.

-Mild Davis

Check out some music from our stickman Mild Davis here

Dear Lady Chavez: Birth Control

Dear Lady Chavez,

I am 30 and anti-breeding so I am super afraid of getting pregnant. What form of birth control do you advocate most? I’m tired of just doing anal all the time.

Love,
Back Door No More

Dear Back Door,

Wow! I’m glad our readers just lay it all out there. Thank you for that ‘cause it was early in the morning and I needed a little visual to get me going. I have a long history with birth control so I think I can speak on it without talking out my ass like I usually do. First off, Birth Control Pills are the work of the devil for different reasons:

1) they turn you into a raging bitch
2) they make hoes think they’re invincible and that’s how folks get AIDS and Hep C
3) You can’t ever remember to take them
4) One will fall down the sink drain and then you’re fucked
5) Your junkie friends will try to break them up and snort them when they’re hard up (don’t ask)
6) They give you cancer

Now, I have also tried the Nuva-Ring. This is the one that you shove up your cooch and it gives you a hardcore yeast infection (like Coco) and also turns you into a raging bitch with all the hormones. I’ve tried the rhythm method, which is why I have Mini Chavez, and I’ve obviously tried condoms. I know it’s old skool, but these are your best bet.

I know it kinda ruins the mood and all but condoms don’t put hormones in your body and they are relatively cheap. Here is the Lady Chavez guide to making condoms the best choice:

1) buy the ones that aren’t stinky for god sakes
2) lubricated, duh
3) go to Vegan Erotica to get ones that aren’t tested on animals
4) don’t buy Magnums even though your man will be flattered because a) they stink b) only a small percentage of men are big enough for these and you don’t need that jimmy sliding off for the grand finale
5) Don’t buy scented/fruity ones ‘cause that’s just wack and can’t be good for you

Now get off your knees girl!

Love,
LC

Lack of History Amongst Hiphop Fans and Aspiring emcees

by Allen James

"Aye Bay-Bay!!!!!"............"Lodi Dodi!!!!!"

If you can name the artist from the first quote and not the artist from the second quote, then there is a serious problem. When i was a kid, my best friend's dad used to drive all around town picking up soda cans. I didn't understand why when i was younger. If you recycle
the cans you can get five cents for each can. He knew something we didn't.....garbage sells.

That is the route that "hiphop" is taking. As of late hiphop, the love of my life, has been plagued with pollution. Everyone says this because everyone recognizes that it's a serious issue but
not too many have stepped up to make the more than necessary change. It's okay if you use a Krs-one beat and record a "freestyle" on it, but if you use any elements of the verse, then that is
biting. It's as if biting has become cool now. Back in the day, you woulda got fucked up for that.
It's a god damn shame when you call yourself an emcee, lyricist, hiphop head, beat junkie etc. and you don't know any parts of a verse from a Nas, Slick Rick, Big L, Curtis Blow, Run DMC, LL Cool J, Wu-Tang, or Roots song.

Nowadays you punk rockers and skaters no more about and are more hip hop than you rappers.
I think right as you're about to sign your record deal, they should make you take a 100 question written exam full of essays about hiphop. If u don't get at least a 75 percent, then peace nigga. Also, the thing I hate most about rappers is that they go on TV and radio and the DJ or VJ says we're about to do this "exclusive freestyle" with so and so and then you buy the album and the same damn verse is on the album. If you can't freestyle then don't, no-1 will give a shit. As
long as you can "super man that hoe" they'll still love you.

in closing....."music is entertainment, rap is a form of music but hiphop is
a way of life"

~* allen james*~

Check our Allen James' Myspace to peep his music

And the Winner is.....

After much deliberation, Fluffgirl and I have chosen a winner for our t-shirt art contest. It's us! Since we throw this blog thing on for you everyday and did not even get one sorry entry, we went ahead and decided to do our own design depicting what the hell happened and why y'all couldn't even take a pic of the last load you dropped in the toilet and email it to us...drum roll please......

As you can see, we have accurately recreated the scene where Fluff and LC are drinking wine and high-fiving thinking our readers are hard at work on an image for our merchandise but it turns out our readers were just smoking mad doobs and watching homothugs on LOGO. You will be the envy of all your friends sporting this tee.

Just kidding, we love you. Don't leave us! We'll be getting the work done at Elm and Oak ASAP.

On a cooler note, check out the tofu family "Oriental Spy" made for me for X-mas! There's Baby Dad, me and Mini Chavez. Why my head gotta be so big and why is mine grittin' on everybody? Ok, don't answer that. If you would like your own tofu family, shoot us an email and we'll see what we can do.

Love, Lady Chavez

Trend and Anti-trend: Tops and Bottoms

Trend: Mickey's Learning Caps

For so long, Mickey's has been educating drunks all over the world one cap at a time. It's Leap Frog for lushes. There is nothing better than sitting on a stoop, drankin' malt liquor and passing around a newly untwisted cap to decode. And you can't just be blurtin' out the answer either. Everyone has to see the cap and then you can reveal your answer...kinda like Jeopardy minus the condescending Canadian.

Can you solve the one above?

Anti-trend: Camel Toe

I am distressed that I even have to go here, but females have been sporting their sheethed crevice on the outside like it's an accessory lately. The pants are too mother fucking tight if your pink taco is looking like a denim gordita in yo' jeans! You need to either get some bigger pants or start skipping the fourth meal you've obviously taken a liking too. This means you Coco!

Adventures in Vegetarianism: Prom King in Jail for Reunion

I woke up on Jan. 1 and realized if you subtract 1998 from 2008, you get 10, meaning Fluff and I must have a fucking high school reunion coming up...sad and scary. We graduated with Micheal Vick so my next thought was, "Okay, Mike will be in jail so at least there won't be a big fuss over that." My third thought was, "Why do I care? Will we even go?" That still remains to be seen, however, I figure since the hype has settled, I can finally share my thought on the Vick debacle. Ever since that whole thing went down, eveyone has been drilling me for my opinion on the matter since I am an animal activist and I knew Vick and I haven't spoken up. So here ya go:

I think that obviously what Vick participated in was abusive, unacceptable and disgusting. However....(caution: this is where people start catching feelings)...I think it is just as bad as the meat industry where animals are enslaved and butchered for human consumption. It is along the same lines as the dairy industry which pumps hormones into cows, keeps them impregnated artifically, hooks them up to horrible machines and rips their babies away. Its like the veal calves who are then roped by all fours to posts and can't move until they're killed for they're atrophied meat. Let's not even talk about cruel and pointless animal experimentation (500 animals die a day at HLS). All of these atrocities are cruel to animals and are funded by the government so apparently its okay.

So, you might say these practices at least have a point (eating, curing cancer, etc). I'll go with it even though its still not necessary. What about the rodeo, the circus or bullfighting? These are legal and strictly for entertainment purposes. I think Vick belongs in jail but so do millions of other people who are involved in the industries I've mentioned.

Enough of that...should we go to our reunion? That is the real question!

"Come back Billy. I wanna Screw!"

Oh Woody, I have been crushin' on you since "White Men Can't Jump" premiered your gap toothed, baggy tank top wearin' self. You had just enough bad boy in you to be what I was longing for as a teen. You were a good guy and being addicted to gambling and blowing all your girl's money just proved more that you were one passionate dude. I was too young to know about your Cheers douchebaggery years, so to me this was your first moment to shine. When you came back onto my radar, I was going through a hippie phase a few years later and there you were growing hemp and getting arrested for protests. Are we soulmates or what? Since then, your large awkward nose has enticed me and made me wanna get naked and play the bongos (because Matthew McConaughey is just a poser version of you). I want to run through the hemp fields hand in hand with you and rub your fuzzy head of middle-aged ripe peachyness. You kinda have meth-face now but I think that is just a coincidence and even if you did, it would not deter me. I will have you, Woody.

Love,

Lady Chavez