I like to go to the bar a few nights a week for a cold drink and some sort of social interaction with the masses. After all, I’m 28 and single with no kids. It’s kinda like my duty to keep the dream alive for my friends who have ‘settled down.’ I see the same cast of knucklehead hipsters most nights on the town, and there are some things I want to say, but never do. Here’s a few from the other night…
1. Dude, why are your pants so damn tight? Are you wearing your girlfriends pants? Are they your boyfriend’s pants? They’re so f’ing tight I can see the pulse on the head of your dick. Just think about it this way, if your 18 year old self saw you wearing girl pants, wouldn’t he kick your ass? I thought so.
2. Girl, yes, you are hot. I like your clothes and I like the fact that you know all the words to Spank Rock and The Replacements. BUT, you already dorked half of my friends in the not-too-distant past. They don’t make condoms out of Kevlar you know? I’m sure you look amazing naked, but I could just ask my buddy and save myself an itch. Sorry…
3. Dude, if you put one more fucking quarter in the juke box at the bar and play another random Joy Division b-side or garage rock turd, I’m going to crack your damn jaw. I’m drinking, not taking ‘Your Shitty Music Taste 101.’ The point of a juke box is to have one centralized music source that everyone can enjoy. So, if you’re not going to play Hall & Oats, sit the fuck down.
4. Girl, put down the fucking camera phone before I take it from you and drop it in the urinal. Who wants to see pics of you and your friends drinking mojitos in the same crappy bar on a Wednesday night? You. That’s it. Maybe your friend can leave a comment on myspace about “we was soooo crunk,” but other than that, you suck. If you and your friends feel like making out with each other and some harmless nudity is involved, THEN it’s time to break out the camera. Till then, fuck off.
5. Dude, I’m not gonna buy you a god damn beer. Quit asking. You’ve been to the bathroom 13 times since we got here to powder your nose, and you’re wearing a Prada jacket. Who’s fault is it that you don’t have a buck fifty for a drink? Your parents will cut you off one day, fucker. Cocaine ain’t free y’know? Unless you’re a hot girl, of course.
6. Bartender, did I just become invisible or have you been rendered stupid(er) by the girl with hard nipples on the other end of the bar. Don’t get me wrong, I like nipples too, but every second I stand here I get more sober. We both lose in that situation, hombre. Quit drooling over titties and get me a damn PBR before I come over this bar and get my own. I know where you keep them, after all.
7. Girl, I think it’s sexy as hell that you smoke cigarettes. Fuck your friend with the ‘sinus problem’ who bitches every time you light up. I smoke. You smoke. See? We already have something in common. No need to stop there, eh? Bring your fine ‘I-smell-like-an-ashtray’ ass over here and let’s get this thing going. Just you, me and a few butts.
8. Dude, I already told you. I’m not buying you a beer!!! Go wipe your nose off. You look like Tony Montana on a bad day. Nice jacket btw.
9. Girl, I thought we agreed that when we broke up that this would be ‘my’ bar. I gave you the shittastic whine, I mean wine, bar down the street. So why the fuck do I keep seeing you up in this motherfucker with your new boyfriend and his tight ass pants? At least I know my dick’s bigger than his(see #1). How about you get the fuck out of here while I try to capture the magic with my new smoking buddy? We’ve got an ashtray to fill before the love can begin.
10. Clock, you are so full of shit. There is no damn way it’s 2am. First of all, I have to be at work at 9am, so you have to be wrong. That’s in seven hours. I wouldn’t do that to myself again, would I? Apparently I would. Oh well. Good night my hickster (part hick and part hipster…clever, eh?) friends. I’ll see you all again tomorrow.
Check out some music from our stickman Mild Davis here