Friday, January 11, 2008

Dear Lady Chavez: Birth Control

Dear Lady Chavez,

I am 30 and anti-breeding so I am super afraid of getting pregnant. What form of birth control do you advocate most? I’m tired of just doing anal all the time.

Back Door No More

Dear Back Door,

Wow! I’m glad our readers just lay it all out there. Thank you for that ‘cause it was early in the morning and I needed a little visual to get me going. I have a long history with birth control so I think I can speak on it without talking out my ass like I usually do. First off, Birth Control Pills are the work of the devil for different reasons:

1) they turn you into a raging bitch
2) they make hoes think they’re invincible and that’s how folks get AIDS and Hep C
3) You can’t ever remember to take them
4) One will fall down the sink drain and then you’re fucked
5) Your junkie friends will try to break them up and snort them when they’re hard up (don’t ask)
6) They give you cancer

Now, I have also tried the Nuva-Ring. This is the one that you shove up your cooch and it gives you a hardcore yeast infection (like Coco) and also turns you into a raging bitch with all the hormones. I’ve tried the rhythm method, which is why I have Mini Chavez, and I’ve obviously tried condoms. I know it’s old skool, but these are your best bet.

I know it kinda ruins the mood and all but condoms don’t put hormones in your body and they are relatively cheap. Here is the Lady Chavez guide to making condoms the best choice:

1) buy the ones that aren’t stinky for god sakes
2) lubricated, duh
3) go to Vegan Erotica to get ones that aren’t tested on animals
4) don’t buy Magnums even though your man will be flattered because a) they stink b) only a small percentage of men are big enough for these and you don’t need that jimmy sliding off for the grand finale
5) Don’t buy scented/fruity ones ‘cause that’s just wack and can’t be good for you

Now get off your knees girl!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i have never dated anyone who is on birth control. fortuntately, years of watching pornography has made an external ejac seem cool. "pull and pray" --- works for me!