Thursday, December 20, 2007

"It's My Addiction, Damn It" by Hillbilly Harlot

I know many people will have some time off over the next few days. Now you could spend time with your family, friends or cats. Or you could do what I normally do. Settle in Peg Bundy style with some bon bons and stirrup pants on the couch and tune into LMN. Yes, that's Lifetime Movie Network. A WHOLE channel dedicated to the art of the Lifetime Movie. Now, Lifetime is supposed to be "television for women". I always took that as meaning, empowering women. I was wrong. Here is the essential Lifetime Movie list. It's not to be missed

Let's start with the Tori Spelling series

Co-ed Call Girl: A naive college student gets drawn into the life of prostitution and drugs. Will she ever get out? Will her nose collapse? A MUST SEE

Death of a cheerleader: Corky's sister stars as a wannabe cheerleader who stabs Tori Spelling. You will stay on the edge of your seat waiting to see if her croquet ball implant leeks.

True Life Chronicles

Life is not a fairytale: The Fantasia Barrino Story: The AI winner plays herself in this biography. I'm not sure how she read the script. (yes, I am going to hell, thanks) but the part where she vomits on the breakfast table is priceless. Slow motion worthy. The part where the electricity gets turned off is good too.

Shattered Innocence: This is my FAVORITE lifetime movie. Made in 1988 it is based upon the short life of Shauna Grant. A porn actress and nude model. A young, naive girl from Kansas moves to Los Angeles to become a movie star. She gets some photos taken wearing nothing but chaps and a cowboy hat, starts doing porn, gets addicted to coke, wears alot of sequin dresses, does more porn, manages a leather goods store, does more coke.. I don't wanna give away the ending.

Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story: What is a young girl to do between one hit TV series and another? Star in movies like Street Fighter, Poison Ivy 2 and of course, this movie. I love her LI accent and her bitchin Camaro that the Buttafuco is always 'fixing' for her. This movie is totally biased and makes Amy Fisher look like a slut psycho and paints the greasy Joey as innocent but it's still worth a watch.

Just plain bad

Dying to belong: Zach Morris and the Next Karate kid are journalist investigating the hazing death of 6 from Blossom. yup.

Road Rage: Yasmine "Low Rent Carmen Electra" Bleeth cuts a water delivery man off in traffic who recently lost his family in a road rage related accident. He begins to stalk her and steals her panties.

My Stepson, My lover: Not even gonna touch it.

The Ultimate Betrayal: A man addicted to hookers get arrested and he tells his wife he just stopped to ask for directions. She responds with "Where? To your pants!?"

15 and Pregnant: I had high hopes for this movie. I mean, Kiki Dunst in all her snaggle tooth glory.. 15! It was just stupid and the guy who spermed her up is all white trash and leaves her for a gummy redhead. She wears overalls throughout the movie. That's the most interesting thing about it.

If you're interested in naming your own Lifetime Movie, check this out:

This was mine: It's My Addiction, Damn It: The Untold Story of HillBilly Harlot


Tricknology said...

A+ post. All of those movies are great, especially "Shattered Innocence".

I just can't wait until they do the Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears stories, CLASSIC MATERIAL!

Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl said...

I disagree with Zach Morris' movie being just plain bad. Anything with Six is awesome and I remember the acting being superb

-16 and Pregnant and Trifling and Jail Bait: The Not-so secret Life Of Jamie Lynn Spears

Tricknology said...

but she met him in church y'all