Sunday, October 7, 2007

Dear Lady Chavez


Dear Lady Chavez,

I have a dinner date at my house planned with this new girl I like. I’m what you’d call a player but I would retire just for her. She’s kind of a goody goody and might even be a virgin. I’m used to sluts and chickenheads. Any tips for our first date?

Signed,
Ron Mexico

Dear Ron,

I was pretty sure there was no such thing as a female “goody goody”anymore, but let’s go with it. First of all, you need to set the mood in your place. This means not too bright and not too Jeffrey Dahmer dim. Cue up your computer to play some feel good music that will make her trust you into feeling on her. I heard “good” girls like Josh Groban. Oh and that song about the bubbly face by Colbie Callait…that song even makes me wanna frolic through daisies and shit (no LSD or anything!). Ooh and that new song by Elliot Yamin is so hot right now with virgins. She will be impressed that you know American Idol and that you aren’t all snaggletoothed like him. Now, cook some food that is not too heavy (noodles and bread just make women feel fat and make them want to keep their clothes on). I suggest a nice tofu salad. It is light and makes a girl think you are an animal lover so you must not be all that bad. The wine must be flowin’ at all times and make sure your damn bathroom is clean. This is the most important thing. When “good” girls go on dates, they are thinking about long term and if you have pubes chillin’ on the sink and the toilet seat is up with some nast coating, then she will not sleep with you. She will picture you 40 and balding, spraying pubes everywhere and not cleaning up after yo’self. Trust. Lastly, do not admit you’re a manwhore. We’ve all seen the Days of our Lives where the guy’s about to get to stickin’ and he has some epiphany with this “special girl” that he has to be honest and she’s like, “Oh, hell no” and puts her robe on. Don’t go out like that.

Good Luck!
-Lady Chavez

1 comment:

El Keter said...

There are still female goodie-goodies in the modern era, but they all have a long list of sexual partners and have been scourged by STD's. What makes them goodie-goodies you ask? They tell people they don't like oral and refuse to do anal. These are the times we live in.