Dear Lady Chavez

Dear Lovely Chavez,

Now I've had conversations before with friends about how long a guy should wait to call up a honey after getting her digits. I've always been like, fuck that noise. I mean if we hit it off from the start and she's fit and I'm trying to get with her, it's like boom, I might call her the next day just to say hi. But if I'm not feeling her that much, I might wait til the next time I'm waiting for my creepy crawlers to set to call her up. But this is the flipside of that coin. How much time has to go by before it's too late to call her? Weeks??...Months??...Years? This is my situation.

I came back to the Twin Towns to visit my fam for the holidays and out of boredom I was
going thru boxes of my old crap in the basement. I came across my old school yearbooks. And from the ages of like 12-16 there was a girl who always signed my yearbook and left her digits. She always left comments about me being cute and funny and sweet and requests for me
to call her and all this. I mean we were friends and shit, but I think she wanted something more. I stalked her on myspace and found out she still stays just outside Minneapolis and she's single. I'm now 24 and have never really talked to her, that I can remember, since I up and bounced at the age of 17 to go out on my own to see the world. But now I'm home for like a month and I just wanna say hi... and maybe fuck. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere between a b rated chick flick and an episode of Dateline's To Catch a Predator. Please help.

Love Always,

San Dimas High School Football Rules!!!

Dear San,

First of all...what a dumbass! Sorry, but dudes are either like you and totally oblivious even if you're GIVING them a motorboat in gym class by shoving your chest into their face or you totally don't want to hook up with the guy (hence, the kick to the balls in Chemistry) and they won't leave you alone. There seems to be no in between. In my secret business where I play on the internet all day pretending to do my job, statutes of limitations are very important or else you are SOL (no acronym pun intended). With calling this girl, it would be weird to get a call past 5 years which is a good solid SOL for any situation and you're talking 10 years right here. She may be single but she still may have the old ball and chain (AKA a kid- just kidding Mini Chavez).

Anyway, so this could go one of 2 ways. You could either call her and she's all like, "Hell yeah, you know I had the biggest crush on you. I thought you'd never take the hint. Now, we can go on one date and I can show you what you've missed out on all this time" or she could be like, "Why the fuck is you callin' me? Are you that desparate that you're scouring your yearbook to pick up chicks just to say 'Hi, remember me? Lets fuck!'" Ouch! Well for your sake, I hope its the former.

Fluffgirl will tell you that I am sometimes THE WORST advice giver, because normally my response is, "Fuck it, why not?" regardless of the possible consequences and or/diseases. I would also say go for it in this situation and if she blows you off on the phone just tell her its opposite day and you would never hook up with her because she whores herself out in the yearbook like she's running for Most Likely To Get Suck Seeds and get supersoaked (sorry, that sounds grody).

Love,

LC