This Picture is Funny and Oh Yeah, the Blogsite is Done

Check out this picture of a banner that Mild Davis snapped at an obligatory Mother's Day outing. Can you tell why this bank probably should lose this photo used to advertise a family image? Hopefully you are as immature as us and will laugh wildly and forward to your immature friends and then we will all go to hell.

And yes, we're on indefinite hiatus here on the blog because we just have better shit to do...no, not really but we are working on better shit and we'll let you know when the time is right what we're up to. Until then, feel free to comment on our brilliant posts thus far.

Love,

Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl

"I Spy" with Mild Davis

1) T-shirt tucked into jean shorts that are so tight you can see the Marlboro logo on the cigs in his pocket

2) Canvass bag (because he cares about the earth)

3) A neckstrap for his camera and the hairiest arms I've ever seen on a 'ginger.'

4) $50 says he's got on a hightop pair of LA Gear's from '87 at the bottom of that mess

5) The cell phone clipped on the pocket for quick/easy access. Y'know, if the President calls or some other emergency should arise where he just doesn't have time to put his hand in his pocket and pull the phone out.? Or his jean shorts are too tight to squeeze that sumbitch in his pocket.

I love ATL but......

He looks like a fake Rick Ross and can we stop using the "Z" for pluralz?! You can hear this song and pretend a new term "drawz" has just been coined here

Drunk Dial Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl!

We've got our own hotline for our readers to call and sound off drunk, sober, on PCP about to jump off a rooftop, whatever. It's like drunk dialing except millions of people (don't pay attention to the hit counter at the bottom of the page) will listen to it the next day. You might as well go on Oprah wasted. So, here are some examples of what you may or may not want to do.....

Disclaimer: ****The last two are NSFW,C, YM, or SB (Not Suitable for work, children, your moms, or southern baptists

You can do a 3AM freestyle like our boy Donny Goines

Or brag about about "kicking bitches in their tits" like Juan Huevos at 9PM

Or fantasize about fornicating with paraplegics like DJ Brownske and his crew at 4AM

Here are the digits (program it in the phone): 757-663-7340

PS...This is voicemail only so don't call us to bail you out of the drunk tank, ok?

Liberate Your Ones and Twos With Cas One

Okay, can we talk about how much you need to listen to Cas One? Not only is he auditioning for groupies at a city near you but he's classic good-looking, funny and one of the most talented up and coming emcees you've seen in a minute. He has a collab with Brother Ali for fucks sake. I don't mean to curse and tell you what to do with your life but I'm a jug o' wine deep and pretty sure your existence will be incomplete unless you read this interview and then buy the album immediately. Just trying to help.....

L and F: Besides the shitter, where's the best place to write rhymes?

Cas: It would be so inappropriate to write while on the shitter. I think of the lines while on the shitter and run back and forth between my computer and the toilette when I think of something brilliant.

L and F: You said we could ask you anything so can you please give us a good groupie story? Pretty please?

Cas: Hah....I don't have a lot of groupies (please send more) but when I was at the blind pig there was a girl that looked like brittany spears (a mix between nervous break down and non- nervous breakdown brit) accompanied by a homosexual that looked like Corky from Life Goes On that followed us back to the hotel and got naked in the middle of the hotel pool. It was awkward and a couple guys from tour were trying to talk to the girl not knowing the dude was naked...Which ended in hilarity...

L and F: What's the best advice (please choose one and explain)

a) Never trust a big butt and a smile
b) You lay down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas
c) You can't turn a ho into a housewife
d) Wipe front to back, don't bring the shit to the clit

Cas: I think all of them are good advice, because from the looks of it they are all in reference to some transaction of an STD and I would like to stay away from each. It is also in reffrence to all women are evil which also may be true.

L and F: Tell us about all your collaborative efforts and upcoming musical ventures?

Cas: I've worked with Brother Ali on my first l.p called Liberation on a track called Flashbacks. I wanted to do something more aggressive and he wanted to do a more laid back song with me so that was the product. On my upcoming album The Monster and The Wishing Well, Im working with P.O.S. on a song that's in the works right now. I'm pretty excited about it. Also with fellow label mate, Intuition, whom I think could be the best writer in hip hop. I've toured with some heavy hitters as well.

L and F: How can we hold it down Indiana-style?

Cas: Theres really no style here. It's a big melting pot of leftovers from other cities that happen a little to late. When we get hipsters here in a couple of years I'm moving to Nashville.

L and F: What's the most corny shit someone can say to you after a show?

Cas: I really like talking to people after shows...but I REALLY hate to be asked to join a cypher. Thats pretty corny...and there always is one.

PS...Check out Cas One and DJ Figure and their project "Bads New For People Who Love Hip Hop"

Hip Hop Crafts Catch On

I like to go to Etsy.com and search "hip hop". The results used to be limited but crafters are more and more supplying my hip hop demands. Here are some choice ones I spotted:

by Goekeco

by Teal Town

by Neva Restin

by Love Revolutionary

by
DLK Designs

by Camuscanoe

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

When its Monday and I'm feeling down, these 3 things are sure to cheer me up:

Fabio and the Goose Incident (seriously, what are the odds?)

The rendition of "Afternoon Delight" in Anchorman:

Watch the video

D-Listed's "Caption This" Contest Photos:

-Hillybilly Harlot likes it too

Love,
LC

Dear Lady Chavez: Dungeons and Dragons

Dear LC,
So I have been seeing this girl for about 4 or 5 weeks now and there is this strange thing going on between us, I'm not sure how to handle it. About two weeks ago it was raining out and she was on her wayover and I was looking for something for the two of us to do. I always try to be original with my ideas and try stuff out that neither of us have ever done before. I know this is weird, but I had been storing a bunch of my brother's stuff at my place and I saw his old
Dungeons and Dragons shit sitting in some crates. I had never played D&D before because I was the youngest in my family, so it was something my brother and cousin did, but I was never invited. Truth be told, I spent most of my time as a younger kid erect. I had a serious problem of getting excited or aroused easily and therefore I walked around with a boner from about the ages of 12 to 15, when I finally gained some self control. I mean I'd work it out and everything, but then it would be back again in like 3 minutes. Geez, I musta masturbated about 75 times a day back then. So anyhow this made me terribly awkward to hang out with, so I wasn't invited to do much with the other kids. But I digress... so I never got to play D&D, right. So she came over and agreed it would be fun and weird to play D&D. We started playing and I have to admit, the game was fucking lame. But my girl was getting horny as hell, so I kept on. Before I know it we're going at it right on the table on top of the game and she's talking all freaky, which she had never really done before. She's screaming about riding my dragon, and venturing into her dungeon, and something about her being the baddest elf princess bitch in all the land. I mean I have to admit, it was hot and kinky and I was having a good time. But she hasn't stopped with the whole act yet and everytime we have sex now we have to do this weird role playing. She makes me wave around this staff she bought on e-bay and cast spells and wear this wizards hat. I can't really do this whole routine without laughing and that's when she gets really mad and says she is a rabid goblin and starts biting me. I don't mean like nibbling or anything remotely sexy, I mean she tears bloody chunks of flesh off my body. Anyway, I'm pretty worried, what should I do?

Have you ever heard of this before?

Geekier than ever,
Third Level Dungeon Master

Dear Dungeon Master,
Well, first of all I know it is normal for young boys to maturbate 75 times a day because my bro and I had a heart to heart in a hotel room on vacay one time and he said he just couldn't stop and I was really grossed out. I mean, he wasn't doing it right then, oh nevermind! Anyway, all I know about D & D is that it is like you said, super lame and the nerdiest shit you can do. So, when someone does something nerdy or is wearing anything mythical-like, I'm like, "Oh what are you into D & D too?". And they're like, "Shut the f*ck up LC!". It is apparently also shameful for all those involved. Now, role-playing D & D for sex is not so lame unless 1) you want to do it ALL the time and 2) you inflict wounds beyond the 1st layer of skin. Now trust, I am a big proponent for role-playing which is why you will see me scouring the after halloween sales for some get-ups the whole month of November.... but you've got to know your role and change your role. Nawmean? Ain't no dungeon dark and wet enough for you to be sticking your staff into some crazy bitch (plus, you might get a staff infection...get it?!)

Yours Truly,

Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez: The Olsen Twins

Dear Lady Chavez,

Okay i've got a conundrum. I'm trying to decide which olsen twin i want to get serious with. Mary-Kate has the better fashion sense and by far the better drugs, but she won't give me anything more than a little hovercraft action, or dryhump if you will. Meanwhile ashley loves the cock.

Love,
Danny Tanner

Dear Danny,

First of all, I am going to pretend you did not just sign that Danny Tanner because you just ruined Full House for me and I'm pretty sure that is a felony in some states. Mary-Kate or Ashley...hmmmmm....well, if this was real life I would tell you to choose Door #3 even if it was a one-legged carny with full blown Hep C. However, since you are adamant it be one or the other and this is my alter ego (not the angel on your shoulder or devil on the other side, but the one in the middle and further down towards the welcome mat) I will guide you. If you choose Mary Kate, her outfits might not be atrocious but you want her naked, so this is irrelevent. As far as drugs go, if you hang with MK, she might fix you up a nice cocktail but then you'll have the disease (not the imaginary disease that Christina Ricci had in Black Snake Moan where she had to do everyone or it hurt) but the one where your white snake won't work and will only slither around in your boxers, hence the reason she's always dry humping. Ashley, is your best bet since she's ample and willing. Plus, Paris steals all her boyfriends so its like a two-for-one...wait, or is that Mary-Kate? Damn, I'm getting those elfin hoes confused...just go with Stephanie.

Love,
Lady Chavez
xoxoxo

If you too would like some Lady Chavez advice, please email her at ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez: Online Dating

Dear Lady Chavez,

I met this guy on the internet and he wants to meet up but I've heard some wild stories about that and don't want to end up in the trunk of a Caprice Classic.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a very valid concern. We first need to mention that it is no longer lame to meet someone on the internet otherwise I would have started laughing at you immediately. I don't do that anymore because there really are instances where people find their "soulmates" and live happily ever after (I'm just going off those eHarmony commercials because those people aren't acting). So, what you need to do is stalk him. Borrow a friend's car and you are probably 30 pounds heavier than your Myspace picture so no need for a disguise. Follow him to work and back and to his extracurricular activities. Given he doesn't have a roommate, sneak in while he's out walking the dog and look for anything suspicious. This means duct tape, firearms and large rubber fists. I would also canvass the local bars for more info. By doing all of these things, you should have a better idea of who you are dealing with. To ensure your safety however, bring a friend along for the first date, but make sure she is much uglier and fatter than you. Good luck!

Love,

Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez Week

Fluffgirl is preparing for an art show and I need to get my life together in general so we're posting some Dear Lady Chavez from past and present starting with the first....Enjoy!

This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez,

Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?

Love,Need to Pay My Rent

Dear Rent,

Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.

P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother? Dang, just askin'

Love,
Lady Chavez

Bitch Better Have My Ameros!

You have to watch this 9 minute clip from the documentary Zeitgeist. Has anyone heard about One World Government? Discuss...

The Kissing Game Challenge

Remember Hi Five? I love this old school jam and it makes you wonder what is the kissing game exactly and why is Chris Brown just a fake ass Hi Five? Your challenge when you hit the bars this weekend is to just get to first base and play the kissing game. Trust me, he or she will call you the next day (just make sure your breath ain't nassy)



I'm gonna get an early start and make out with someone right now to some Hi Five. I might even bust out the side ponytail for dramatic middle school effects.

Adventures in Vegetarianism

When the circus came to town, I was protesting on opening night as usual. I'm standing right by the curb with my sign and most people stopped at the red light are trying to avoid eye contact and getting fidgety while others either give the thumbs up or laugh at us. This is all fine with me but its the 1% that have to run their mouths that lead me to believe some people are so ignorant, this animal rights thing doesn't stand a chance. Let me paint you a picture....

This teal '96 Ford Taurus stops in front of us. The driver (with full-on mullet mind you) leans his head down and yells, "Y'all need to be worried about bringin' our troops home!" His fat, Ogilvie Home Permed 3rd wife is giggling uncontrollably in the passenger seat and the innocent, embarrassed 8 year old is in the back looking like this is the norm. Dude, are you serious? I'm sure they went back to the trailer, opened up some Budweiser and bragged to their neighbors over some unfiltered Pall Malls. The toothless teenager in the next lot would say, "Randy, you're one fuckin' crazy dude, man! Only your ass would do something like that." They would all laugh and then cough something up and would all be glad they had known crazy Randy.

It melts my heart to know that this fake ass Dogg the Bounty Hunter must surely be sending care packages to the troops and lobbying for their safe return daily. What a guy! He's crazy and philanthropic! Fuck the animals, I just want to hop in that Chevy and do some real good for once.

Sarcasm aside, there are plenty of organizations for shit like that...not to mention groups about SIDS, cancer, AIDS, Restless Leg Syndrome...you name it. So, don't fucking ride by a protest and yell some gay ass shit out like that because someone has to stand up for animals. This especially applies to waste of space rednecks intent on turning their 8 year old daughters into 2nd rate lot lizards.

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I feel better now.

Love,

LC

For more info:

http://www.circuses.com/

I Can Do Tupperware

I've been contemplating leaving this life of sin and crime and moving to the suburbs. Don't even try to argue with me. I'm all used up and there's nowhere else to go but J Crew and dress myself up like shit never happened. Just like Audrey, I'm going somewhere that's green and I'll invite you to my tupperware parties if you don't talk shit.

This is so gonna be me...tv dinners here I come! Classic...

LC

Even “T-girls” need some bling…

Today's theme seems to be all about addictions - and recently, I've been nurturing my very own guilty pleasure: eBay. I find myself sifting through gads of online auctions, hoping to find cute clothes for even cuter prices. eBay is the treasure chest of the internet – and when I say treasure, keep in mind the old adage, “One man’s junk….” Somehow, that still didn't quite prepare me for this auction.

Crying Game anyone?

Fluff

My Guiltiest Pleasure

.....is SHOWGIRLS. I can't freakin help it. Everytime it comes on, I HAVE to watch. I don't have a choice in the matter. Yes, it's cliche but it's my cliche.

Here are the top ten reasons that I am obsessed with this movie and always have been.

1) My mother forced me to watch this with her when I was 14. Either that's really cool or really weird. I don't know the answer.

2) The fantastic over acting by Elizabeth Berkely. She took the role seriously. Violently serious. From the vomiting, the throwing french fries, the pocket knife and the dancing..oh god, the dancing. Like a spastic stripper having an epileptic seizure. I am sure her dancing has inspired many Vegas showgirls.

3) The lesbian vibe throughout the whole movie. You could cut the sexual tension between Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley like a hot knife through Earth Balance. When they bond over eating doggy chow and stroke hands, I melt.

4) Kyle Mclaughlins hair has a side part. 'nuff said.

5) When Elizabeth Berkley pronounces Versace VERSASE. This actually taught me how to pronounce the gaudy ass designer's clothes. Now only if someone could have taught me how to pronounce Yves Saint Laurent or Hermes, I wouldn't have embarrassed myself when I moved to Philly. It's not like you can buy those clothes where I am from anyways. See, this movie IS educational.

6) When I watch this movie, I always wonder if E.B. thought this would take her career to new heights. This would be her breakthrough role, forever banning Jesse Spano from people's minds. I wonder if she was like "Screw you, Tiffany Amber, I will be the only one to defy the Saved by the Bell curse!"

7) I just happened to catch the movie on TBS (whaaa?) and they use cutting edge Microsoft Paint to draw fake bras and panties on all the naughty bits. Artistic!

8) E.B's amazon ass riding Kyle Mclaughlin in the swimming pool. You know what I am talking about. Where you couldn't tell if she was having an orgasm or dying. I like to think it's a little of both.

9) E.B. dry humping Kyle Mclaughlin (is there a pattern here?) in the strip club while Gina Gershon watches. I had no idea that he came in his pants when I was younger. I didn't understand what happened and my mom wouldn't explain it to me. I thank her for this.
and finally.....

10) Possibly the worst scene in the whole movie. When her and that 'urban' guy are spazzing out (um, I mean, dancing) in his 'loft' and he sticks his hands down her camel toe inducing pants and gets menstrual blood on his fingers. I mean, was that necessary?It's like a train wreck, I am fascinated by this scene and am always disappointed when it's cut out of the cable version. Especially when he tells her that they can still hump because he 'has lots of towels'.

Please feel free to add to the list. When I come visit L.C. we are totally gonna have a Showgirls party....

by Hillbilly Harlot

Chris McCandless...Can You Handle This?

Surprise! I have a new obsession! I can just hear all the gasps at how shocking this is considering I have the attention span of a gnat but really seem to make a scene out of all my fleeting interests. Christopher "Alexander Supertramp" McCandless is no different folks.

I watched "Into the Wild", became obsessed so now I'm reading the book. I addition, I peruse every blog and news article about him when I'm on hold at work (which is about 6 hours). I was 12 when he died. He said "fuck it", burned his money and took off for Alaska. Maybe he wasn't prepared enough and maybe he did have a little, "My daddy didn't tuck me in" attitude but I can't get enough of his story and how controversial this thing is. People are either totally moved and admire him or they think he's a piece of shit crybaby who had schizophrenia.

I think you can guess where I stand. He was hot and stinky apparently and at the end had a nice, full-grown beard. Is it weird to be in love with a dead guy? I would frolic through fields of buffalo with him to the ends of the earth. I have to get over this. Now I'm looking up more guys that died in the wilderness like Carl McCunn.

Feel free to comment if you've seen "Into the Wild" or read the book. If you're going to be all sorts of negative, go ahead but my love will never die...until next week when I move onto something else.

-LC

Crafts We Love

Dinos in Our Living Rooms

Check out these homemade terrariums , replete with tiny tyrannosauruses, stegosauruses, and real plants….the dinos aren’t real, but hopefully you knew that. Which is great b/c you won’t need to clean up any dino poop.

8 Poison Darts – Kung Fu Movie Review by SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD

Kung Fu Rating Scale:
1 poison dart: More practice!
8 poison darts: Thank you, Master!

INVINCIBLE SUPER GUY

[SHAW BROTHERS, '76]

This movie made its American debut on the USA cable network in '88. I watched the original uncut version, so it was pretty raw and badly dubbed. I happen to love that in these films. The characters got some dope ass names like Invisible Thief, Devil Man, Killer Fan, Dynamite Man, and of course Super Guy, of Low Hand Security. Sick Weapons! The classic bladed fan, supa-sized spiked brass knuckles, and home boy Super Guy beats suckas down with his Giant Bowl! You know Super Guy be puffin' on the Low Hand Tip....ANYWAYS.An Asian prince finds himself in danger at the hands of gold thieves. Lots of ninja type magic and great fight scenes make up for the crazy plot twists and weird Chinese drama. In one scene Invisible Thief kicks back and eats a fresh roasted chicken he stole from a girl. WAIT.... While his brother sexually assaults the poor helpless maiden. SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD don' t like seein' the ladies disrespected. Especially in the first 2 min of the flick. No worries, Super Guy beats everybody ass with that Super pipe o' his. Nuff' Said Ya'll

My rating: 5 *poison darts*

Where can i cop it? eBay , 99cents and up, Canal St. in NYC

Check our friend SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD on myspace and peep his music page here - Jade Badger…while you’re there, check out his funky, kung-fu soul melodies.

Lady and Fluff

Shit We Like – Warm Weather

The weather is slowly inching towards warmer territory and Lady and Fluff couldn’t be happier. What does warm weather mean to us?

•Fresh air, punctuated by the occasional stale cigarette (clove for Fluff)
•Those ridiculous genie pants that are so pase, but too damn comfortable to send to the DAV

•All day weekend, shop-a-thons at the Salvation Army, Thrift Store City, and Family Thrift
•Empty Carlo Rossi jugs
•Dance offs in the living room with music so loud, it could wake the dead (that's one of our neighbors gettin down)

•Acapella, rap-song harmonizing – Snoop Dogg’s Ladi Dadi being our fave

•Wasted discussions with the neighbors about which local redneck drives down the street fastest

•Yelling at the local redneck who drives down the street too fast (remind you of anyone LC?)

•Porch gatherings that result in a permanent collection of beer cans and empty wine glasses on the front steps

•Broken glass everywhere!

•Heart to heart Lady and Fluff moments

•Yard sales in sweltering heat
•Block parties!! Speaking of, we’ll be hosting another one this year, so stay tuned…

The Biggest Boss That We've Seen Thus Far?

What is it about fat rappers that makes us swoon? Even the most thuggish ruggish dude falls for the obese lyricist. I can't think of one fat rapper that hasn't made bank straight out the gate. We've got Biggie Smalls, Fat Joe, Bubba Sparks, Big Pun and the list goes on on and on and now Rick Ross. I fucking love this guy and not because his songs are great but he's cute as shit! He breathes heavy and he looks like he could cuddle all night long (with a few snicky snack breaks). This is the appeal for women but for men I think fat dudes are just non-threatening, to the ego anyway. Plus, I think we've all been looking for the next Notorious B.I.G., someone to replicate what he had and was cut short. Why do you think Biggie is still putting out CD's? We just can't get enough but I think Ricky Ross can do it. I believe in him and if he keeps it street and deep fried, he may just be our next fat hero. I'll take a Big Boss helping, hold the T-Pain PLEASE!



The White Rick Ross

my. first. piece. of. performance. art.

Wanna know how HoBo Fluff is? She sat down on a Saturday night (in lieu of the obligatory scene queen parade) and sculpted her first piece of performance art.

She admits to herself, the night started out a bleak shade of 2005 American Idol. But somehow ended in a bevy of snark, movement and hipster myspace pics…all facilitated by a lump of clay.

What do you think it looks like? Tree? A ziggurat? Dwarf Mountain?

It reminds me of the only time I went camping.

Get Motivated With Mild Davis