Masturbating to Milano

By Mild Davis

So, after reading LC’s post a few weeks back about the sextastic Woody Harrelson (Come Back Billy, I Wanna Screw), it made me gather up the courage to finally admit to the world my crush of more than 20 years.I remember, as a kid, having a limited palette to choose from in the world of family friendly TV, but one of the shows that made the cut was “Who’s the Boss?”. I mean, how can you go wrong with a slutty grandma, a yuppie mom, an effeminate son, Tony Danza as the maid and ALYSSA MILANO? That’s right fuckers, I said Alyssa Milano. At the time, I was too young to realize the impact she’d come to have on my life and libido. I, along with the rest of America, watched her blossom from the stereotypical pre-teen Jersey tomboy to a full fledge hot piece of 1980’s teenager ass. I’m talkin’ side ponytails, stirrup pants and more day-glo than you could blind a child with…HOT! (Please note that I was a teenager too, so there was no pederast action going on here, ok?)

Those days were brief and fleeting when WTB? got the axe in 1992…but she wasn’t done yet. Not by a long shot.It took her a while to find her direction, but finally she resurfaced on the big screen in a slew of craptastic movies in the mid 90’s. She starred in cinematic fast food like “Confessions of a Sorority Girl,” “Double Dragon,” “Fear” and “Poison Ivy 2.” Other than bad acting and low budgets, these films also contained some fine nekid (NSFW) action from Ms. Milano. Nothing quite rids you of the ‘child star’ label like flashing some titty. Or lesbian scenes. Or pretty much any occasion where you flash some bush. And, it couldn’t have come a better time. This was a period of my life where boobs and such were of an utmost importance to me. Plus, I had HBO in my room as a kid, so that helped. But, she wasn’t content to go down (pun intended) just another B-movie bimbo. She crouched back into the Hollywood hills and prepared for her next sexy assault.

Finally, after a couple Alyssa-free years, she popped her fine ass back onto the collective radar as Jennifer Mancini on the 90210 knock off, “Melrose Place”. She didn’t stay long, but she was there long enough to get my juices flowing again. THEN, finally, it happened. CHARMED! I know it’s labeled as a chick show, but there is no hetero guy in the world that should talk shit on this show. It has three beautiful women running around fighting demons and shit in midriff tops and short skirts. You can’t fuck with that, even on mute. It’s kind of like “Gilmore Girls” but with a WAY higher probability that somebody’s gonna have a knocker break free any minute. Now, don’t get me wrong. Holly Marie Combs (no relation to Puffy apparently) was cute and it was definitely an upgrade to Rose McGowan from Shannon Doherty, but Alyssa Milano ruled them all. She was cast as the lustful (aka slutty) sister and went through about 27 haircuts, 4,000 outfits and 54 boyfriends (including Nick Lachey and that dude from Nip/Tuck) in the show’s five seasons. It’s in syndication now, and comes on every morning so I get to watch her abundant cleavage, sexy buns and plethora of assorted religious tattoos run around fighting evil while I eat my Wheaties in the before work. What a way to start your day, huh?I may never have a chance to tell her how I feel in person, but at least I’ve gotten it off my chest to creep you all out. So, if any of you in blogland happen to have her cell number, hook a brotha up. Or, you could buy me the Alyssa Milano action figure. Otherwise, I’ll just enjoy our daily visits on the CW. I’ll always be true…

-Mild Davis

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