Despite the fact that I started shaving in 6th grade, it never dawned on me to grow a full beard. Sideburns? Yup. Goatee? Yup. But never the whole thing. Around Thanksgiving, at the bequest of a lovely lady, I decided to go for it. After two weeks of itchy hell, it finally filled out. And what a glorious beard it is. You know you got a good beard, when strangers comment on it’s fullness at the bar and mothers in the mall pull their children a little closer because they think you’re a terrorist. So, for those of you with fresh shaved faces, here are my top five reasons to grow a beard.
1. Ladies LOVE it. They may give you the ‘it itches when we kiss’ line, but they secretly love it. It’s some caveman/cavewoman shit.
2. Dudes RESPECT it. Next to penis envy, beard envy is number two on the dude hierarchy.
3. It keeps your face warm in the winter. It’s like a fur coat for your face and will stop an icy breeze in its tracks.
4. You get 10 minutes of extra sleep in the AM. There is nothing like not having to shave every day, and, instead, rolling over and snoozing out for an extra ten.
5. People you don’t like won’t recognize you. When my beard filled in, it was like that movie Face/Off. Nobody knew who I was for weeks. A beard makes it easy to duck the haters and douchebags. Plus, you can make out with the same chick twice, and she’ll never catch on.
So flick your Bic and let it grow. As your cool-kid status points begin to elevate, you’ll see the truth.
Beardo for life,