Sunday, September 30, 2007

Trend and Anti-trend of the Week


Sweater Around the Shoulders

It's about that time to start puttin' some more clothes on and nothin' says arbitrary like a light sweater huggin' your collarbone. It says, "I'm not any warmer than you right now but I could be if I wanted to". It says you're flexible and not afraid to look stuck up. People will secretly wonder if you're better than them as your cotton mudflap hangs in the breeze. Don't tie it too tight though because haters have been known to try and grab your sweater from the back and you do not want to get yoked up in public.


Stank-ass armpits.

Since moving to this large metropolis, I have become a witness of much, and a victim of even more. I understand that the body’s natural tendency to cool itself involves exuding tiny droplets of water, salts, and urea (which, by the way, is basically the same combination of components as URINE). This can’t be helped in most cases. Especially when you’ve got 9 minutes to make the N express, which arrives in 5 and you just HAD to sport your new leather stiletto knee high boots for fall even when its still 80 degrees out…but I digress. Point is, maybe you can’t help that you sweat like a fur monger at a PETA demonstration. Fine. We all sweat. I do, however, feel strongly about an individual’s ability to control the odor caused by excessive underarm sweating…..and back sweating, neck sweating, gut sweating. Whatever. Its really not that hard to put a little deodorant on in the morning. Dust yourself with some Johnson & Johnson if you have to- take a Cuban shower. Just DON’T let me make my way through the steamy subway tunnels, board the E line (which barely has A/C) and find myself nose-first in the armpit of a smelly German, Rod Stewart look-alike with crusty snake skin boots. It is important for the reader to note that the design of said subway is typical in that many people have to reach up overhead to grab the bars in order to keep from face-planting themselves in someone’s lap, which adds to the experience of this olfactory nightmare. Small, dark and ugly dudes seem to be repeat offenders of this particularly egregious hygiene crime. Not an accusation, just an observation.

And if you don't know, now you know...



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