Thursday, March 27, 2008

Why Rite Aid is Less Fun Than Maury Povich

Identigene has come out with a parternity test that costs $29.99 and is 99.9% accurate. Then you have to send your spit swab and consent form to a lab for $119. Do I feel like Maury will take a hard hit booking guests? Fuck no. Let me paint you a picture of why finding your baby's daddy in a box is not as fun.

On the Maury Show:

1) You will be able to have that beginning session with Maury where you cry and say you are 120% sure Tyrell is the daddy (math?)

2) When the "daddy" comes out you can get all up in his face and call him a piece of shit until Maury tells you to sit your ass down because you don't want to stress out the other illigitimate baby in yo' stomach at present.

3) You can point at the big sceen of your baby eating cheetos in the green room and single out all the features that look just like Tyrell.

4) You can rebuttal when Tyrell calls you a slut and that he's 120% unsure he is the father because you slept with ALL of his friends. He will say he definitely slept with you that week but it is impossible he could be the father (WAIT! I forgot to mention the black and white artsy piece where Tyrell is behind the chain link fence and also calls you a slut prior to his entrance)

5) When Maury finally reads the results (after the commercial break of course), Tyrell will not be the father so you will run out crying, drop to the floor still where the audience can see and then run back where they also coincidentally have cameras set up down the long corridor. You will try to get out the door but it will be locked and you will be stuck there. Maury will come along, comfort you and say, "We'll keep trying! I promise we'll keep trying!" Did I mention this is already your 4th time on the show?

So, who the hell would buy this kit when you can go onto Maury for some genuine drama, save $150 and get a free trip to NYC?


fluff said...

Who cares about Maury? WHAT ABOUT J SPRINGER?? oh he even still on TV?

eric said...

Finally someone gives props to the work Maury's been putting in for all these years. Not to mention what a gangsta he is... have you ever seen the way he greets the dudes on his show? You'd just expect a stern handshake or something, but Maury's slappin and snappin like a mufucka.

LC said...

fluff, maury is way klassier than jerry springer...its like when you finally upgrade from Milwaukee's Best to Natural Light (u never go back)

eric, that is so true, maury is truly down...he never fumbles on the dap...well, he is in an interracial marriage and all

..."Awww, me love Maury"..remember that?