Drunk Dial Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl!

We've got our own hotline for our readers to call and sound off drunk, sober, on PCP about to jump off a rooftop, whatever. It's like drunk dialing except millions of people (don't pay attention to the hit counter at the bottom of the page) will listen to it the next day. You might as well go on Oprah wasted. So, here are some examples of what you may or may not want to do.....

Disclaimer: ****The last two are NSFW,C, YM, or SB (Not Suitable for work, children, your moms, or southern baptists

You can do a 3AM freestyle like our boy Donny Goines

Or brag about about "kicking bitches in their tits" like Juan Huevos at 9PM

Or fantasize about fornicating with paraplegics like DJ Brownske and his crew at 4AM

Here are the digits (program it in the phone): 757-663-7340

PS...This is voicemail only so don't call us to bail you out of the drunk tank, ok?

Liberate Your Ones and Twos With Cas One

Okay, can we talk about how much you need to listen to Cas One? Not only is he auditioning for groupies at a city near you but he's classic good-looking, funny and one of the most talented up and coming emcees you've seen in a minute. He has a collab with Brother Ali for fucks sake. I don't mean to curse and tell you what to do with your life but I'm a jug o' wine deep and pretty sure your existence will be incomplete unless you read this interview and then buy the album immediately. Just trying to help.....

L and F: Besides the shitter, where's the best place to write rhymes?

Cas: It would be so inappropriate to write while on the shitter. I think of the lines while on the shitter and run back and forth between my computer and the toilette when I think of something brilliant.

L and F: You said we could ask you anything so can you please give us a good groupie story? Pretty please?

Cas: Hah....I don't have a lot of groupies (please send more) but when I was at the blind pig there was a girl that looked like brittany spears (a mix between nervous break down and non- nervous breakdown brit) accompanied by a homosexual that looked like Corky from Life Goes On that followed us back to the hotel and got naked in the middle of the hotel pool. It was awkward and a couple guys from tour were trying to talk to the girl not knowing the dude was naked...Which ended in hilarity...

L and F: What's the best advice (please choose one and explain)

a) Never trust a big butt and a smile
b) You lay down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas
c) You can't turn a ho into a housewife
d) Wipe front to back, don't bring the shit to the clit

Cas: I think all of them are good advice, because from the looks of it they are all in reference to some transaction of an STD and I would like to stay away from each. It is also in reffrence to all women are evil which also may be true.

L and F: Tell us about all your collaborative efforts and upcoming musical ventures?

Cas: I've worked with Brother Ali on my first l.p called Liberation on a track called Flashbacks. I wanted to do something more aggressive and he wanted to do a more laid back song with me so that was the product. On my upcoming album The Monster and The Wishing Well, Im working with P.O.S. on a song that's in the works right now. I'm pretty excited about it. Also with fellow label mate, Intuition, whom I think could be the best writer in hip hop. I've toured with some heavy hitters as well.

L and F: How can we hold it down Indiana-style?

Cas: Theres really no style here. It's a big melting pot of leftovers from other cities that happen a little to late. When we get hipsters here in a couple of years I'm moving to Nashville.

L and F: What's the most corny shit someone can say to you after a show?

Cas: I really like talking to people after shows...but I REALLY hate to be asked to join a cypher. Thats pretty corny...and there always is one.

PS...Check out Cas One and DJ Figure and their project "Bads New For People Who Love Hip Hop"

Hip Hop Crafts Catch On

I like to go to Etsy.com and search "hip hop". The results used to be limited but crafters are more and more supplying my hip hop demands. Here are some choice ones I spotted:

by Goekeco

by Teal Town

by Neva Restin

by Love Revolutionary

by
DLK Designs

by Camuscanoe

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

When its Monday and I'm feeling down, these 3 things are sure to cheer me up:

Fabio and the Goose Incident (seriously, what are the odds?)

The rendition of "Afternoon Delight" in Anchorman:

Watch the video

D-Listed's "Caption This" Contest Photos:

-Hillybilly Harlot likes it too

Love,
LC

Dear Lady Chavez: Dungeons and Dragons

Dear LC,
So I have been seeing this girl for about 4 or 5 weeks now and there is this strange thing going on between us, I'm not sure how to handle it. About two weeks ago it was raining out and she was on her wayover and I was looking for something for the two of us to do. I always try to be original with my ideas and try stuff out that neither of us have ever done before. I know this is weird, but I had been storing a bunch of my brother's stuff at my place and I saw his old
Dungeons and Dragons shit sitting in some crates. I had never played D&D before because I was the youngest in my family, so it was something my brother and cousin did, but I was never invited. Truth be told, I spent most of my time as a younger kid erect. I had a serious problem of getting excited or aroused easily and therefore I walked around with a boner from about the ages of 12 to 15, when I finally gained some self control. I mean I'd work it out and everything, but then it would be back again in like 3 minutes. Geez, I musta masturbated about 75 times a day back then. So anyhow this made me terribly awkward to hang out with, so I wasn't invited to do much with the other kids. But I digress... so I never got to play D&D, right. So she came over and agreed it would be fun and weird to play D&D. We started playing and I have to admit, the game was fucking lame. But my girl was getting horny as hell, so I kept on. Before I know it we're going at it right on the table on top of the game and she's talking all freaky, which she had never really done before. She's screaming about riding my dragon, and venturing into her dungeon, and something about her being the baddest elf princess bitch in all the land. I mean I have to admit, it was hot and kinky and I was having a good time. But she hasn't stopped with the whole act yet and everytime we have sex now we have to do this weird role playing. She makes me wave around this staff she bought on e-bay and cast spells and wear this wizards hat. I can't really do this whole routine without laughing and that's when she gets really mad and says she is a rabid goblin and starts biting me. I don't mean like nibbling or anything remotely sexy, I mean she tears bloody chunks of flesh off my body. Anyway, I'm pretty worried, what should I do?

Have you ever heard of this before?

Geekier than ever,
Third Level Dungeon Master

Dear Dungeon Master,
Well, first of all I know it is normal for young boys to maturbate 75 times a day because my bro and I had a heart to heart in a hotel room on vacay one time and he said he just couldn't stop and I was really grossed out. I mean, he wasn't doing it right then, oh nevermind! Anyway, all I know about D & D is that it is like you said, super lame and the nerdiest shit you can do. So, when someone does something nerdy or is wearing anything mythical-like, I'm like, "Oh what are you into D & D too?". And they're like, "Shut the f*ck up LC!". It is apparently also shameful for all those involved. Now, role-playing D & D for sex is not so lame unless 1) you want to do it ALL the time and 2) you inflict wounds beyond the 1st layer of skin. Now trust, I am a big proponent for role-playing which is why you will see me scouring the after halloween sales for some get-ups the whole month of November.... but you've got to know your role and change your role. Nawmean? Ain't no dungeon dark and wet enough for you to be sticking your staff into some crazy bitch (plus, you might get a staff infection...get it?!)

Yours Truly,

Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez: The Olsen Twins

Dear Lady Chavez,

Okay i've got a conundrum. I'm trying to decide which olsen twin i want to get serious with. Mary-Kate has the better fashion sense and by far the better drugs, but she won't give me anything more than a little hovercraft action, or dryhump if you will. Meanwhile ashley loves the cock.

Love,
Danny Tanner

Dear Danny,

First of all, I am going to pretend you did not just sign that Danny Tanner because you just ruined Full House for me and I'm pretty sure that is a felony in some states. Mary-Kate or Ashley...hmmmmm....well, if this was real life I would tell you to choose Door #3 even if it was a one-legged carny with full blown Hep C. However, since you are adamant it be one or the other and this is my alter ego (not the angel on your shoulder or devil on the other side, but the one in the middle and further down towards the welcome mat) I will guide you. If you choose Mary Kate, her outfits might not be atrocious but you want her naked, so this is irrelevent. As far as drugs go, if you hang with MK, she might fix you up a nice cocktail but then you'll have the disease (not the imaginary disease that Christina Ricci had in Black Snake Moan where she had to do everyone or it hurt) but the one where your white snake won't work and will only slither around in your boxers, hence the reason she's always dry humping. Ashley, is your best bet since she's ample and willing. Plus, Paris steals all her boyfriends so its like a two-for-one...wait, or is that Mary-Kate? Damn, I'm getting those elfin hoes confused...just go with Stephanie.

Love,
Lady Chavez
xoxoxo

If you too would like some Lady Chavez advice, please email her at ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez: Online Dating

Dear Lady Chavez,

I met this guy on the internet and he wants to meet up but I've heard some wild stories about that and don't want to end up in the trunk of a Caprice Classic.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a very valid concern. We first need to mention that it is no longer lame to meet someone on the internet otherwise I would have started laughing at you immediately. I don't do that anymore because there really are instances where people find their "soulmates" and live happily ever after (I'm just going off those eHarmony commercials because those people aren't acting). So, what you need to do is stalk him. Borrow a friend's car and you are probably 30 pounds heavier than your Myspace picture so no need for a disguise. Follow him to work and back and to his extracurricular activities. Given he doesn't have a roommate, sneak in while he's out walking the dog and look for anything suspicious. This means duct tape, firearms and large rubber fists. I would also canvass the local bars for more info. By doing all of these things, you should have a better idea of who you are dealing with. To ensure your safety however, bring a friend along for the first date, but make sure she is much uglier and fatter than you. Good luck!

Love,

Lady Chavez