Dear Lady Chavez: Online Dating

Dear Lady Chavez,

I met this guy on the internet and he wants to meet up but I've heard some wild stories about that and don't want to end up in the trunk of a Caprice Classic.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a very valid concern. We first need to mention that it is no longer lame to meet someone on the internet otherwise I would have started laughing at you immediately. I don't do that anymore because there really are instances where people find their "soulmates" and live happily ever after (I'm just going off those eHarmony commercials because those people aren't acting). So, what you need to do is stalk him. Borrow a friend's car and you are probably 30 pounds heavier than your Myspace picture so no need for a disguise. Follow him to work and back and to his extracurricular activities. Given he doesn't have a roommate, sneak in while he's out walking the dog and look for anything suspicious. This means duct tape, firearms and large rubber fists. I would also canvass the local bars for more info. By doing all of these things, you should have a better idea of who you are dealing with. To ensure your safety however, bring a friend along for the first date, but make sure she is much uglier and fatter than you. Good luck!

Love,

Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez Week

Fluffgirl is preparing for an art show and I need to get my life together in general so we're posting some Dear Lady Chavez from past and present starting with the first....Enjoy!

This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez,

Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?

Love,Need to Pay My Rent

Dear Rent,

Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.

P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother? Dang, just askin'

Love,
Lady Chavez