Dear Lady Chavez,

Dear Lady Chavez,
Is it ok to recycle my ex?

Sincerely,
One is the loneliest Number

Dear One,

I am glad you brought this up because it is something I have been meaning to tell all of you...Hell to the fuck no! I have been guilty of this all over the place so I am officially certified to tell you this is a bad idea. You will waste months and months of your life that you can NEVER get back. If it didn't work the first time, then let it go, for real. You will just break up again, only
this time you will feel even more stupid and he probably would have gotten a birthday and hanukkah presents out of it. You will probably just be the recipient of one of his newly acquired std's.

Ok, how can I explain this better? Recycling an ex is like drunk-dialing because loneliness is just as intoxicating as a night of $1 jager bombs and an 8 ball. You will metaphorically be doing the walk of shame right back to your apartment where you started but you've lost your dignity and your ass virginity.

Yours Truly,
Lady Chavez

To submit a question to Lady Chavez, please email us at ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez,

This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to ladyandfluff@gmail.com


Dear Lady Chavez,

Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?

Love,

Need to Pay My Rent


Dear Need To Pay My Rent,

Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.


P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother?

Dang, just askin'

Love,

Lady Chavez

Poems Your Mother Warned You About

My Sunday Best

I knew he had never been to church,
maybe part of his appeal.
He had rebelled against something else.
I wanted to find out what drew
the corners of his mouth into a smirk
like mine.
He wanted to be saved.

In my best Sunday dress, I lay
on the floor in front of him,
legs spread like a hymnal.
He sat disappointed like
his only chance at redemption
had spread wings and flew out
of my vagina and out the door.

He slumped to the carpet in
defeat until he was tasting
the wine soaked wafer that
had rested on my tongue.
“God is an illusion” he heard
and he sank, reassured into
my Sunday best.

Lady Chavez