Dear Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez,

So I was hanging out with some of my friends a while back and one of
my friends who is gay had these two girls begging to sleep with him.
First they begged to make out with him. Then the one pleaded to have
sex with him and even offered up her friend's pussy as an extra
incentive. Now I understand that they were strippers, not respectable
ladies like yourself LC, but what the fuck? Did these girls think
they were so hot that they could turn a gay man straight? Or is this
how girls usually act with their gay dude friends? Are girls ever
like, "hmmm, I wonder how my pussy is tasting today... oh I know, I'll
just go sit on my homo friends face and ask him." Because that would
be fucked up and I'd totally have to change my strategy with the
ladies. I normally walk around trying to spread the message of "I
love pussy" like Flav tries to spread the message of what fucking time
it is. I literally walk around with a giant pocket pussy hanging from
a chain around my neck. (I've never considered that this might have
something to do with why I can't pick up women.) Anyhow, if girls are
always flashing their tits and rubbing all up on their gay friends,
then I'm gonna turn my pocket pussy chain in for a t-shirt that reads
"Punani is gross... ewww!!!! I'm really gay. Really, let me taste
your pussy and I'll prove it."

p.s. sorry for the gratuitous use of "pussy"

Eternally horny and potentially homo,
Scott Baio

Dear Scott,

Wow, I am so sorry that you were a total heart throb in Tiger Beat and now you're just beating it, watching gay dudes take the ladies. So you're hating on the gay dude phenomenon? I don't blame you because its something that needs to end.

Women /Strippers,

Please stop trying to "turn" homos straight. They don't care if it smells fresh or if your vag looks like a butthole with just some extra skin. They don't want it! They are homo for a reason....because girls are annoying, clingy, dramatic cunts who think everyone wants to do them.

Scott again,

Don't hate the playa', you must become one. Don't switch teams but become less available. If you're out at da club with some ladies and your homo friends, chat it up with the dudes and some other ladies and don't buy them any dranks until they're lap dancing you in desparation. A girl only hits on gay dudes because they're the ultimate challenge and if she gets dissed its only because they're gay (not because she is straight amateur in the sack or that she smells like a fish fry). So, play it cool, Scott and please do not invest in any pocket pussy medallions. Thanks!

Love,
Lady Chavez

Homo Thugs?!?!?!

Ok, so I have a confession to make. I went to the gay bar a couple weekends ago and I found out that I am not ok with homo thugs. My friend Molly and I are total fruit flies (formally known as fag hags). We're dancin it up in our newly acquired thrift store pumps. To our left we see some thin, hipster boys making out. We agree they are so cute. Then to our right, we see totally thugged out dudes grindin' and sweatin' with their do-rags on! What the fu? Now, we know we should not be hatin' and I felt like my dad when I was like, "Now, that just ain't natural." But listen, it looked like if 50 Cent was dancin' with his drank and T.I. was backin' his ass up into him. See what I'm sayin? I can't wrap my mind around it. I'm so ashamed of myself!

KIT,

Lady Chavez



homo thug, the: urban male who has sex with other men; does not see himself as effeminate, passive or powerless; does not refer to himself as 'gay'; synonymous with > banjee (n.), hip-hop head (n.); to be on the Down Low, to be on the DL;

Down Low, the: (n.) a region vastly populated by many popular hip hop recording artists, closeted but conspirational; giving each other head on the DL; (Leland Gale, SBC Magazine)